#212: How to Ask for Referrals Confidently (& Be Successful)

01:14
"Heather, there's somebody I know who has a lot of connections. Connections I would love to get in front of. But I've known them forever in a personal context. We've never really even talked business. How do I ask for introductions and referrals from them without coming off the wrong way or ruining our relationship?"

This was asked of me by a mastermind client earlier in the year.

01:38
And also:

"Heather, I have several meetings set up with providers in my industry this week. They would make great referral partners, I think. Although we all know we're meeting for networking purposes, it kind of feels weird to come out and ask for them to refer cases to me. How do I do this in a way that feels right and doesn't come across as salesy or needy?"

02:02
Yet another question that was asked by a different mastermind member earlier this year. These were two different people in two very different practice areas and firms. One is a litigation specialist in big law, the other a PI attorney in a boutique law firm. Yet both needed help on pretty much the same thing.

02:22
They both wanted to ask for referrals and introductions. They both wanted to come across as confident. They both wanted to make that ask without sounding pushy, salesy, or even needy.

Successful Referral Marketing

02:34
Today, I'm going to tell you exactly what I covered with them. The step-by-step how-to of asking for referrals in a way that feels congruent with who you are. Meaning, it doesn't feel awkward, it isn't pushy or salesy, and it always aligns with your personality and values.

And the best part is that when you follow this framework, you're going to be successful with your referral strategy. Now, a quick caveat as to what I mean by successful is

03:01
Of course, this does not mean that every person you want to get referrals from will say yes, or that every referral you get from anybody who says yes is going to be perfect. Okay? But here's what it does mean.

It means learning to build a very strong relationship with these people, a relationship of trust, and getting referrals from most of the people you want.

03:25
Getting the right referrals, not a lot of wrong ones. So occasionally you might get a weird one, but most of the time they're going to be good ones. And it doesn't begin with the ask.

Doors To ELEVATE Are Open

So, as mentioned a moment ago, this came up several times in my masterminds, both of them actually, over the past year.

03:46
And I get a lot of my podcast episodes from my clients, y'all. So if this is resonating at all, whether you're wanting to create a stronger relationship so you can make the ask, whether it's about how to re-engage with someone who would be a great referral partner, or whether it's going into a colder networking event or call with somebody you know could be maybe a great referral source and you're not quite sure what to say or how to dig deeper, listen up.

04:15
Elevate is now open for applications. What is Elevate? Elevate is my group mastermind for building a profitable law practice your way. Inside of Elevate, you get group support from similarly situated peers, strategic guidance from an expert who's been there (that would be me) and six months of structured accountability.

Because guess what? Great habits are not created overnight. Roadblocks are gonna come up as you implement even the best plan. And it's just more fun when you do this with others who are dealing with similar situations, yet also have different practices, different viewpoints, and different strengths.

Get all the details and apply at lifeandlawpodcast.com. Just click the Elevate banner at the top of the page and it will take you where you want to go.

05:03
All right, so let's get into my step-by-step framework. And you know, I never did say, hey, y'all. So hello, welcome to the podcast. This is Heather, your host of Life & Law.

How To Ask For Referrals

Step 1: Identify Who

When it comes to really great referrals and being able to make that ask, it all starts with identifying the who. So that is step one.

05:25
You want to identify the right people so that you can create a relationship with them and more easily make the ask. And even when you're going in cold, quote-unquote, you need to make sure you understand what you can from them. You need to gain insight, gain information around relevance, and willingness. Those two things are really, really important.

Are They Relevant?

05:47
So relevance is, are they in the right industry? Does it seem like they're in a position where they would have good connections to refer you? Or, and frankly, this is the same referral sourcing is the same as introductions, right? So it might not necessarily be a complete referral,

06:06
It might be an introduction that you want and getting an introduction by the right person to somebody you're really interested in meeting can be really, really valuable and a powerful way to get a relationship started. So I put both of those things into the same category. So that's what we were talking about here.Of course, you need to do a little bit of research. Make sure the people that you are looking to make this ask from are actually relevant to the business that you're wanting to build.

Are They Willing?

06:33
The second piece is willingness. How willing are they to refer? Under what circumstances would they refer? Now, you may not know that yet. So when you're going in cold initially, you don't have a clue necessarily, although I will tell you that if you're going into a meeting with somebody who is there for a similar reason, usually there's going to be a willingness because there's a reciprocation, right? So usually you at least know that much.

07:04
If you are completely, like you have no idea whether they'd be willing because you really don't know these people, then that's one of the things you're going to want to suss out when you meet with them, okay?

Now, when it comes to people that you do know, assume there's a willingness unless otherwise told or indicated that there wouldn't be. Because generally speaking, people you know well, people who like you already personally, are going to be very willing to help you as best they can. So go in with that assumption, at least initially.

07:42
Before you go into these meetings, before you go make the ask, before you even have that first conversation with this other person, knowing what you want, whether or not you're going to make the ask in that first meeting, okay?

Get Your Mind Straight

So when it comes to people you already know, the goal is to start rethinking what you know and how you see them. You want to see them in a bit of a different light, not just as someone you've known forever in a specific way,

08:13
And the reason for this is your brain is going to think, well, I can't possibly ask for business. I can't possibly ask for the introduction or the referral because we never talk about that. And that's going to change our relationship. No. You want to start thinking of them first.

08:29
Not just as a person you know personally, but as a person you know as a whole person. Because at the end of the day, and this is what I think the biggest holdback is for most people when it comes to asking for introductions and referrals from people they know, is they're so afraid of hearing no from them. And they're also afraid that it's somehow going to feel pushy or salesy. And I promise if you follow the formula today, it's not going to be that.

08:56
So the thing to get started, though, and part of the problem is, you've never really talked business with them.

09:02
And you've only seen them as the personal side. But just like you, they have another side to them. They work for a living. They enjoy the work they do, hopefully. It's a big piece of their life. So rethink how you see them. And that will help you expand the conversations that you have with them to make it easier to make the ask at some point. So that's with people you do know.

09:29
Now, understand when it comes to people you know already, this includes not just people you know really, really well. It includes people you've met at events. It includes people you've talked to at events or conferences or elsewhere. It includes LinkedIn connections. It includes somebody you knew in the past, but you kind of like a past schoolmate or colleague who you've lost touch with that you need to re-engage with. Think broadly here.

09:57
so that you can really identify all of these people who are in your network who could be good sources for business in one way or another. Most of the people that are already in your network are not likely to be an actual client, but there are going to be people in there who are very likely going to introduce you or can introduce you and can refer you.

10:19
And that's really powerful. So don't knock it and definitely look at your connections that you already have for that. Okay?

10:29
Now let's talk a moment about cold leads. When we're going to meet people who we don't really know and they're cold or pretty cool. And I would say pretty cool is the situation my client was in where they were both going in knowing they were networking with one another, knowing this is kind of one of those things they were going to talk about. And they were introduced by somebody they knew, but they'd never met or talked before.

10:52
So the goal there is before you go and meet with them, you need to do your research to make sure they make sense, at least on paper. So check out their company or company bio. Look at their LinkedIn profile. Look at how they post and what they post about. If somebody did make an introduction, ask why. Why do you believe we should meet? What do you think the two of us have in common and how can we both help one another? Now, this is really important. I said, how can you both help one another?

11:19
Don't just ask about how they can help you. That's not the question you want to ask. That makes it very transactional and you don't want to make it just about what's in it for me. Okay, that's the thing that makes this feel salesy, pushy, gross. It's not just about a what's in it for you. When you're going into that type of a meeting, it's a what's in it for both of us, which is what networking is all about, y'all.

11:45
and there's nothing wrong with it. So you want to take a little bit of that transactional feel, that pushy, salesy, weird feel out of it by asking, okay, so how can, you know, what do you think we have in common and how do you think we can help each other, including how I can help them?

Prioritize Connections/Leads

All right, so be sure when you are looking at a list, if you are trying to develop a list of, okay, who could be good referral partners or who might be able to introduce me to people that I want to get in front of,

12:15
you want to start identifying who makes the most sense and then prioritize them based on how well you know them, relevancy, and willingness. And again, willingness is an assumption at first. That is something that you're going to suss out as you start talking to them. Relevancy, you should be able to tell pretty quickly by the research and what you know of them. That's also something you will quickly suss out when you start having more pointed and strategic conversations with them. And the how well you know them is one of those things that

12:44
When you're prioritizing people, you start there because that's the easiest, right? You know them, so it might be easier to get started there. Do not, though, if somebody is highly relevant, it's worth at least a meeting or two. So don't push somebody way down. What I do if I don't know somebody or they're colder, but I know I can get in front of them and they're high relevancy is

13:09
Then I put them as a high relevancy and a, well, I don't really know them and I don't know their willingness. So I'm going to put them on a scale of one to five, a three. That's the, I don't know. And I'm going to make sure I prioritize them in the next month or two and figure the answer out so that then I can figure out where they go in the list. So that would be my recommendation for that. So that's just step one.

Step 2: Build A Real Relationship

Now, step two is building a relationship. Here's the deal.

Make It Reciprocal (Not Transactional)

13:37
You're not building a relationship for referrals. You're not doing it to make it transactional. You're doing it to network and reciprocate. It's about reciprocity. So they might help you, but you're also there to help them.

13:51
So you got to go in with that mindset of relationship building to getting to know them, getting to know their business, getting to know their goals, getting to know their wants, needs, their struggles, so that A, you can help them and offer to help them when you can. And then B, it makes for an easier opening to make the ask, FYI. So build a real relationship. Re-engage with people you've lost touch with that you think would be good connections, right? And your goal is,

14:21
When you have conversations with them the first couple of times is to get a very clear understanding, if you don't already know, of what they do, who their connections are, their willingness, their relevancy. And even if you think you know this, it's important to ensure you know for real.

Give Value

14:40
The other thing is you want to start giving value immediately. You want to build that two-way relationship so that it doesn't feel transactional to you and it becomes about serving just as much as them helping you. Again, networking is beneficial to both parties. It's not just about you and what you get. You must be willing to give. If you are willing to give, then it's beneficial to them and they want that relationship too. So lean into that.

15:09
And another note that I just want to say, what somebody gets out of a relationship isn't always obvious. It could be mentorship. It could be insight. It could be they value your opinion because of your viewpoint, because it's different. It's not always about the obvious, the money, the introductions, the referrals.

Tip 1: Don't Stick To Small Talk

15:27
Now, how do you do this? Well, my biggest tip is don't stick to small talk. Before you go into any meeting or conversation that you're having with this person, whether it's a predetermined lunch or meeting where everybody knows this is a networking thing, or it's, you know what, this person I've known forever is coming to our house this weekend for a dinner party that a bunch of people are going to be there.

Tip 2: Plan Ahead, Have Goals

15:53
You want to take a couple of minutes to figure out what it is you want and need to know from them about them, their business, their connections. You know, what's the thing? What are the things you really need to start to get to know to be able to determine how good of a connection this really is, to be able to determine how willing they might be, to be able to determine these things. And you want to design some questions that are aimed at getting them talking about those things. Now, you don't need to come out and ask them, hey, would you be willing? That's not what I'm talking about.

16:22
So it might be, especially if it's somebody you've already known and you've had a lot of conversations in the personal realm, well, start broadening the questions you ask. Make it about their business too. People like to talk about themselves and tell their story. So get them talking about their work. Get them talking about what they love, their biggest challenges, what they're up to, what their goals are for the business this year.

16:44
Get those types of questions out there that are designed to help them open up to future discussions that are a little more targeted. So start there. Now, if it's the cold call, then you can be a little more upfront because they're expecting that. And so you can go in and say, hey, my understanding is we have a lot of synergy. Let's

17:05
Let's figure that out today. Tell me a little bit about what you do and then start listening really well, asking some good questions and then answer their questions as well. And when it comes to the point with somebody like that and you know you have a goal and your goal is to figure out, okay, are they really a good connection and is their willingness there? Then you ask the question. So you actually have a lot of really great connections. Here's what I do today.

17:34
Here's how I think I can help you though. Start with that. That's the first question you always want to ask somebody like that. Start there. Then it very naturally leads them to asking what they can do for you. And if it doesn't, it's a natural, easy ask. So would you be willing to, right? It sounds like you have some connections in this area. Do you ever see cases that are?

17:57
Would you be willing to refer me? Here's what I'm specifically looking for and give them very specific criteria. By the way, when you make an ask for referrals in that way, you want to give them specific criteria. This is also the case for if you know somebody pretty well. And let's say you're not, that's not the thing you're asking for. You're wanting to get in front of a couple of people that they might know. But you don't want to just ask because you don't know how well they know them. You just know they know them.

Tip 3: Pay Attention To Openings (Take Advantage of Them Immediately)

18:24
So when you start talking to people you know in new ways, it will open up the door to all kinds of new conversations, and you're going to be surprised how quickly you go there. Make sure you pay attention and read the room and read the conversations and open if the door has been opened, I guess, you know, open it further.

18:46
don't shy away from the obvious openings. So if you, it's the second, you know, the first time that you have that dinner party, they're there. You start asking about work. You start getting into struggles. You start getting into interesting things. They mentioned to you, oh, you know, we've never really talked about this. So how about you? And so you start telling them what's going on at work, right?

19:09
That's opened the door. So one of the things you can tell them either in that conversation or the next one when you start talking business again is, you know, I'm really trying to grow my business and here's what I'm doing and here's who I'm looking for. You just outline it for them. Make it very clear to them what it is you're doing.

19:26
You don't ask them yet for introductions. You don't ask them for, you know, I know you know these two people I really want to get in front of. No, it feels wrong. It feels too soon. That's fine. But it's not too soon at that point to say, you know, I'm trying to grow my business and I have a big goal of getting it over a million in the next two years. And here's what I'm looking for. Here's who I'm really targeting. Here's who I can help the most based on.

19:55
And then just make sure when you have stories to tell about big wins, about interesting cases, challenges that came up in that industry that you can talk about, by the way, talk about them. Start opening up these conversations. You will be surprised how the doors get opened automatically by the other person. And they say, oh my gosh, I know some people you need to meet. Let me give you another example of how this could look.

Reconnecting With Lost Connections

Let's say you went to college with somebody you were once close with, but you've lost touch.

20:26
And you've noticed that they now run a company that puts them in front of your perfect clients. But it's been like 20 years. How do you reach back out? So first, are you connected on LinkedIn? No? Start there. It creates an opening. Don't just ask to connect, but say something in your request, such as, I can't believe we never connected here. I know it's been forever, but I'd love to connect and find a moment to catch up. That's it.

20:52
No selling, no asking for anything when connecting. Then after you've connected, or if you are already connected, you can reach out in the DMs and say something similar, right? Like, can't believe it's been so long. Let's remedy that with an in-person breakfast, coffee, lunch, or even a Zoom coffee chat, depending on where you guys are, right? Are you in the same place? I don't know.

21:15
This is about building real relationships. And don't sell. Don't ask for anything. Just create the connection point.

Design Questions Around What You Need to Know

Quick note. When you go into any conversation with somebody that you know could be a good referral source or introduce you to people you want to get in front of, you want to make sure you have a goal that you want to walk away with. So it might at the beginning stages be, I just need to understand more about relevancy.

21:45
and willingness, design your questions in the conversation and if there's a good opening to try to figure that out, okay? So that's your goal. You have a goal going in. You want to at least get better knowledge around that. May not be perfect, but more knowledge around that before you walk away. But there's always a second goal. And that second goal is this. Leave with the understanding that you're going to follow back up so that you can keep the conversation or relationship going.

22:17
So let's go back to that example. You've reconnected with somebody that you had lost connections with. You guys are local. You decided to have lunch. And before you walk away towards the end of the lunch, look, I don't want another 20 years to pass. Let's do this again in a few months. How about we go ahead and schedule something? Or I'm going to reach back out in a couple of weeks so that we can get that on the calendar. Give them a clear indication that you're going to be reaching out again. Always.

Step 3: Follow-Up (Again and Again)

22:46
Step three, follow up. So when you're having conversations with people, when you haven't made the ask yet, when you're still in the relationship building mode, you must follow up. So when you go into these conversations, you're asking good questions, you leave with information. You leave with lots of good information.

Have A System For Capturing Information Learned

23:11
Make sure you capture that information. And the information is not just about what you get out of this relationship. Again, it's details about them. It's things that they're struggling with or going through in the moment. You had a whole conversation. So take notes. Take a couple of minutes after every meeting, phone conversation, whatever it is, to log your thoughts, to note what you learned.

Have A Follow-Up System

23:38
And then put them into your follow-up system. And yes, y'all, you need a follow-up system. This is something I help my clients with, but it's simple. You need regular time calendared every week or every other week. Do not go beyond that or it's going to get hard to do to follow up with people. And follow-up is not rocket science. It's picking up the phone to check in and ask about how that big deal they were about to close the last time you spoke went. It

24:03
It's sending an article you read that week that is very relevant to something you both spoke about the last time you met with a note about why it made you think about them. And by the way, that article doesn't have to be about business or what you do. It can be about anything you guys talked about.

24:18
It's emailing them to set your quarterly lunch you both talked about a couple weeks back. It's introducing them to someone via email who they mentioned they'd love to meet, and guess what? You just happened to meet them last week at a conference and thought, I need to, you know, told that person about them, said, would you be interested in meeting? And they said yes. This is easy when you go in with the right mindset. Serve first, ask good questions, document the information.

Know When To Ask

24:48
So when do you make the ask? Well, I mentioned this before, whenever it makes sense. Sometimes that's actually in meeting one. Other times, it's after you've had six of them. I cannot tell you when that will be because it's highly specific to your relationship, the conversations you're having, and their viewpoint as to what the relationship is about. But here is what I can tell you.

25:12
If you don't stick to small talk or personal stuff and you start to open it up to the business side and you start to ask better questions, you will get openings. Take advantage of them. That's it for today. Bye for now.