#163: Improve Your Emotional Intelligence (Where To Start)

[00:01:07] Well, hello. Hello everybody. Welcome to the Life & Law Podcast. This is Heather Moulder, your host. And today we are talking about how to improve your emotional intelligence.

This is something I hope you are interested in hearing about, because here’s the truth:

Your success depends upon it, and it being having high levels of emotional intelligence (also known as emotional quotient, which some people refer to as EQ). So, emotional intelligence, emotional quotient, and EQ are all the same thing. In case you’ve heard people banter about that using different terms and you’re not quite sure.

Here’s what higher levels of EQ does for you.

It helps you to read people more intuitively, which means you will understand them more.

It impacts how you communicate with them.

It allows you to better manage conflicts, something that’s very important as a client manager. And also as you grow your business, your book of business, you’re likely going to have a team, and you will be in the middle of conflict of team members and so on.

Also, there’s conflicts that happen within the law firm in general, and sometimes you might get pulled in to help manage that. It’s really important for improving your relationships at work, with your team, with your clients.

But also think about it, this translates into actual life, into your personal life, into your personal relationships as well.

So, a higher EQ is really a must-have for improving your success as a lawyer, as a leader, and personally as a human as well. And it’s even more than that because it can help you be a happier, more fulfilled person.

You’ve probably heard me before talk about connection.

Connection, connecting with others, feeling like you have a sense of belonging with other people is a linchpin of happiness and fulfillment. Working to improve your emotional intelligence will help with that, too, because it helps with all the things that go into having stronger relationships with people.

[00:03:18] So the question becomes, how do you improve your emotional intelligence? That is what we aim to answer today, and I want to give you very practical things for getting started now.

Before we get into your to Dos, the five practical things that I’m going to help you with on how to improve your emotional intelligence, I want to take a quick step back to make sure we understand what we’re talking about here.

What exactly is emotional intelligence?

Now, I had an entire podcast on this a few seasons ago. In episode 64, we talked about what emotional intelligence is and why it’s so important. So if you have not listened to that episode and want a much deeper dive, I highly recommend that you go and listen to it, and I will put a link to that show in the show notes.

For the sake of today’s podcast, I’m going to quickly summarize because I want to make sure we’re all on the same page before I go into those practical tips.

[00:04:13] So, emotional intelligence can be broken down into five key elements. And let me just tell you, different people break these down in different ways. These are the ones that speak most to me that I utilize in my coaching. So the five key elements are: self awareness, self regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.

And here’s what we mean by each of those.

Self-Awareness

Self awareness is about being aware of your emotions and the thoughts behind them so that you can see how those thoughts and emotions impact your decision making. And then hopefully go into that second equation, the self regulation piece. 

[00:04:52] This also is about understanding your strengths and your weaknesses so that you can become more confident in yourself and know where your gifts lie, how to leverage your strengths, how to work to improve your weaknesses, and also how to plan around those weaknesses. Because it’s not always the best tactic to go try to strengthen every weakness. And sometimes it’s not even possible or practical. Right? So that’s what we mean by self awareness.

Self-Regulation

The second piece, self regulation, is really what it sounds like. This is where you take your self awareness to the next level. So it’s not enough to be aware, but time to start regulating your emotions and even your thoughts, so that you can manage your emotions and thoughts in healthy ways and not allow them to impact your interactions with others or your decision making.

[00:05:40] It’s also about being more intentional, following through on your commitments, taking initiative, better, adapting to change, and so on. So that’s the self regulation piece.

The third piece is motivation.

This is exactly what it sounds like. It is all about what inspires and motivates you. Now, what this means is understanding on a deep level what drives you so that you can lead with this for yourself, because that’s how to build a more fulfilling life and career.

And also as an inspiration to others. This is where true leaders, like really good leaders, they’re great at. This will probably not surprise you that values are really key here. Aligning to your values are really key. That is inspiring to people to see you talk the talk, but you also walk it. So that’s motivation.

The fourth piece is empathy.

Empathy is about understanding others in a way that allows you to relate to them so that you can see things from their perspective. This will help to diffuse bias. It’s key to leading others effectively and developing deeper relationships with people.

Now, let me be clear. This is not about agreeing. It’s about understanding, seeing from a perspective, getting to a place where in coaching, we like to say, meet you where you are. Okay, so that’s the empathy piece.

And then finally, the last piece is all about your social skills.

Now, this includes finding common ground, ways to build rapport with other people.

[00:07:14] And it includes the obvious, right? Active listening, good communication skills, that type of a thing.

[00:07:21] Okay, so that’s kind of the basics of “what is EQ?” Again, if you want to learn more, go back and listen to the other podcast. There’s a link in the show notes. But let’s get into…

Where do you start?

How do you improve your emotional intelligence skills?

We hear a lot about how we need to improve. But how do you actually do this?

Let’s talk about some practical things you can start doing now that aren’t going to take forever, that are exponentially going to improve your emotional intelligence.

So let me just note that all five of these things are going to help you improve your emotional intelligence overall. Some are going to be better about improving specific areas than others. All of these together are like rock star status – if you can do all of these.

Tip number one, journaling.

Now, you’re probably rolling your eyes, because most lawyers do when I mention journaling. I am not talking about having a journal that you have to write in every single day and just let your thoughts flow freely. A lot of lawyers, I find, are not big on that. I’m frankly not good at that either. Some people are. If that’s your thing, great.

I’m talking about very specific types of journaling here. And there’s three ways that I recommend journaling. And no, you don’t have to do all three of these every day, okay? So you utilize them when you need them.

[00:08:47]

Number one is stress management journaling.

Stress management journaling is when something unexpected happens that kind of throws your day off, brings a lot of stress, overwhelm, emotion. Maybe it’s unexpected. Maybe it’s a slow slog of things and your plate is too full and a lot’s been going on. And you’re just finally to the moment where you’re like, I am super stressed and overwhelmed.

When that happens, I highly recommend you take just five to ten minutes. And yes, you have this time. It is very well worth it because this is so beneficial. And you stress journal. And when we talk about stress journaling in this way, you’re going to do it specifically, okay?

You’re going to go in and ask and then answer some specific questions. And this is something that I get into in my Legal Mindset Mastery Toolkit. If you don’t have that, you need to get it, okay? It goes through this process and some other ways to utilize journaling. But this is a really great way to kind of step back, calm your mind, and become a little more rational. Take some of that emotional stuff that’s going on, and all the thoughts, get them down on paper, see what’s really going on in your head, parse through them and make a better decision.

This helps with better decision making.

So, you’re going to ask questions such as:

• What’s going on? And very briefly describe it. Two to three sentences, tops. What’s going on that has me stressed.
• What am I feeling because of this? What are my feelings? Am I angry? Am I frustrated because somebody isn’t, somebody didn’t pick up something they were supposed to, right? Like, there’s probably more than one feeling going on. You write them all down. You put words to the feelings you’re actually feeling.
• Then you look at each one and say, okay, well, what thinking, what thoughts, what beliefs are also behind that. What am I thinking about this that’s making me feel this way? And you write those things down. This is going to help decipher through some of the thoughts and beliefs that may or may not be true.

So oftentimes what happens with our brain is we take past things that we’ve experienced or seen and we create rules out of them. Well, this happened before. It’s always going to happen. And so then we assume that as we go into our everyday and that assumption, that thinking and belief, that isn’t a truth, it’s just that it happened once, but it’s not always going to be that way.

[00:11:24] We are subconsciously doing that without even realizing it. And so the impact of this type of journaling is to get behind that and see where that’s happening so that you can start challenging it. And it helps you to challenge those thoughts to see what else might be true.

So that’s your next question.

• Okay, so these are my thoughts for each of those. Well, what else could be true? Where is this a half truth? Why might this not be fully true? Why might this not be true at all?

Now, notice I ask questions in a specific way:

• Why might.
• What else might.
• What else could.

You want to talk in that way with your brain.

[00:12:02] Because your brain does not like definitives. It will push back. But when you ask in this way, it helps to get more curious. You know, we’ve talked about this before, being curious.

[00:12:13] Getting curious activates something in your brain and it opens you up to more possibility. So that’s the point of this. So, what else could be true? What else might be true? Why might this not be fully true?

[00:12:25] Then you can start laying out:

• What are my options? This is where you get into proactive decision making. Okay, how do I get out of this? How do I decrease stress? What are the options here? And then…
• What do I choose to do?

[00:12:39] So that is a way to do this in the midst of really high stress moments, right? To get back, think and make better decisions for yourself and into the future.

[00:12:51]

The other way to utilize journaling is in the moment decision making when you are weighing a couple of decisions and you’re not quite sure which way to go.

Because there is no perfect answer, and it’s a big decision.

[00:13:04] Take some time to get out a piece of paper and ask questions. So journal out.

Okay, what are my options? And put them both there. There’s x, there’s y. Maybe there’s three: x, y and z.

So what am I thinking about each one? What feelings do I feel about each one? What’s behind those feelings? Get it out. This helps you parse through:

• Am I being too risk averse here, or
• Is there something that I’m really worried about?
• Well, how might I handle that?

So, get into the feelings of each option, get into the thoughts behind those feelings with respect to each option. Then ask again, notice this is a very similar to that stress management ask:

• What else could be true here?
• [00:13:50] What could I do about this if it did happen?

Because you’re going to have some things. Okay, well, I’m worried about this. Yeah, that could happen. Well, what, what if it did happen? Then what could I do? This helps you to plan ahead of time. See you have other options. See that you have more choices. That you have areas where you could take control so that you can get to a place where you can see your options more clearly and make a better decision.

And the final question after you go through this type of process is:

• What do I choose to do next?

Now note, when decision making, you may not make the decision yet. It may be, you know what, I need to go ask some questions here. You know, I need to go look into this and I need to do some research or I need a resource here, right? So that could be it.

Or maybe it is that you’re ready to make a decision.

Final thing (this is where I probably get the most pushback). I would suggest the following.

Do the stress management journaling, do the in the moment decision making journaling, try it out for the next 60 to 90 days. See how that works for you. My guess is it’s going to surprise you how well it can work for you. And once you prove that to yourself, then if you’re skeptical about the next one, try the next one which is…

[00:15:07] A review of your day or your week.

Now, it doesn’t have to be daily, it can be weekly. But I do recommend at least weekly where you do a look back and you say, okay, what happened? What went right? What went wrong? Where were mistakes made?

[00:15:24] What can be learned from those mistakes?

[00:15:27] How can that learning be leveraged? Where can I utilize that moving forward?

[00:15:32] And you do this in respect of yourself. And if you’re a manager, of your team as well. This is where this opens up – a lot of this journaling is going to help you with self awareness. It’s that self awareness piece. It’s also going to help you with that self responsibility, the control.

[00:15:52] But if you are in a management situation and you’re managing other people and you’re looking back on the last day or week and you’re including team members, this is going to help you with the relations of others. It’s going to help you with seeing things from their perspective, ask good questions around that, what might also be true about how they see it. Right?

[00:16:14] So journaling is an incredible, and I mean incredible tool for exponentially improving your emotional intelligence. I highly recommend you get started.

Let’s go on to tip number two: A 360 Degree Assessment.

It’s a tool as well. This is probably going to surprise you to hear this, but I’m talking about a 360 degree assessment. Now, if you are not sure what these are, a 360 degree assessment is where you solicit feedback from colleagues, peers and managers.

[00:16:46] And then also you self assess yourself.

[00:16:49] And what this does for you is it shows you how your coworkers perceive you versus how you perceive yourself. And let me tell you, it often surprises people because, yes, there are going to be areas of weakness that you weren’t aware of that others recognize, and patterns of behavior or things that you do or don’t do as well that are going to shock you.

But there’s also going to be positive stuff that will surprise you, too. Things that people see in you. Strengths. This is where we sometimes can learn some of our strengths that we don’t even realize we have. It shines a mirror on you. So there’s a lot of good that comes from this.

It shows up your strengths and how to leverage them more and better, and it shows where some weaknesses might present themselves and how you could plan around them, do better, strengthen yourself.

So this is something that you generally need to get a coach involved. It is something I do with some of my clients. I’ve done this both for in house clients and also for private practice clients. I use my own 360 degree assessment.

There are companies out there that have them as well. Really, just if this is something you’re going to do, interview the person that you’re hiring to do it. Make sure they know what they’re doing.

The best way to do this, really, the only way I know of how to do this is anonymously. What that means is the assessment gets sent out by the coach. The person you’re assessing, the individual, like you, if you’re the one being assessed, has no role in that process, you get a self assessment. Your only role is to fill that out. The coach sends everything out. The coach monitors the feedback. The coach puts it all together in a summary so that the person being assessed has no clue who said what. Okay?

[00:18:40] And the coach, if they know what they’re doing, what they’re really looking for, patterns and themes, similarities, outliers can be important, too, but they’ve got to take that with a little bit of a grain of salt, right? Because somebody might perceive something really differently and have a very different way of doing and being than everybody else. So the coach needs to get a pretty basic understanding around the culture and who the people are.

The way I do this, and I think most people do it this way, is you have a little bit of a different assessment based on the role. So people who manage you have a manager’s assessment, people who are peers have a peer assessment, and people you manage have a different assessment because they see you in different ways and there are different things. They need to be like, different types of questions that they’re looking at. Okay. There are some similarities in all three types, but there are some differences, too.

[00:19:37] So this really helps you see you as everybody else sees you, and it helps with your interrelationships with other people because you get a better sense not of just how others perceive you, but of what they need, because people tell you, part of this feedback is, I need more from, I want more of. And it helps you with your interrelationships, with your management, with your peers, with those you manage.

[00:20:09] So, for example, I had a client who hired me specifically for this, and this client had been wanting to be a GC for a while. She was an Assistance GC and realized, you know, I’ve been getting interviews and I’ve gotten really far. She’d gotten down to be one of the last few that was considered in a couple of interviews. But for whatever reason, I’m not getting the job and I’m tired of this. And I feel like I could use a 360 degree assessment to get a better handle of what could I work on.

[00:20:37] And, you know, where are my strengths and where are my weaknesses? And so we did that and we coached around it. And it was really interesting because a couple of things came up that she expected. But there were a couple of things where she thought she was weak that others did not consider her weak in, and some strengths that came out from it that we figured out ways to really leverage that and go forward, moving with that in her management style and also how to highlight that in her interviews.

[00:21:06] And then there were a couple of things that surprised her around, things that people wanted to see from her, that we worked on as well around communication skills.

Eight months later, guess what happened? She ended up actually getting offered two separate GC positions, and she did take one of them and she is a GC.

So a 360 assessment can be really, really helpful. And just note that I think a lot of people go into them thinking this is a long term thing. You’re never going to fix it. You can really uplevel your skills, your personal skills, your professional skills, and your emotional intelligence skills very quickly, more quickly than you probably realize.

And these types of assessments can really help with that. So that is tip or tool number two for how to improve your emotional intelligence.

Tip number three for improving your emotional intelligence is an exercise.

[00:22:00] I like to call it put yourself in their shoes. So, as we said before, we want to understand, understand where others are coming from, what their perception is, why their reasoning. Right.

[00:22:15] You want to understand their strengths and their values. You want to understand their fears, their worries, their doubts. And you want to not assume and be more open to the realm of other possibilities.

[00:22:30] Why might they have responded or reacted in this way? What reasoning is there other than my assumptions? It’s going to help you relate better to people that you manage, to peers, to colleagues, to clients, even.

Put yourself in other’s shoes is just a proactive exercise where you sit back and you watch people:

• the people you are managing,
• the peers that you are not connecting or meshing with as well,
• the clients you’re not connecting with or meshing with as well,
• a manager or leader you’re not connecting with or meshing as well.

And proactively on a regular basis, I recommend at least weekly taking just ten minutes to sit back and go, okay, here’s the situation. Here’s how I feel, and you got to get out, like my thoughts, my feelings, my assumptions. Get real about that and start asking more questions around:

• What do I know about them? What are their values? What are their needs? What are their goals?
• What have they been going through lately that might impact their decision making, how they show up, their interactions?
• [00:23:41] What do I already know about their fears, worries, and doubts?
• [00:23:45] Why might, given all of that, given the circumstances, given who they are, why might they have responded or reacted in this way?
• Why might they be making this decision that I haven’t understood?

Okay, so you’re putting yourself in their shoes very proactively by going through this exercise and asking these questions. Take this further by really paying attention when you’re around these people to the emotions that are coming across, obviously.

Okay, what is that body language telling me? What is their tone of voice telling me? Are they closed? Are they open? Is their tone a little harsh? Are they excited sounding? Why might that be? What’s going on here? What else am I noticing about that?

[00:24:35] Now, when you do this type of thing, you need to be really careful not to judge.

[00:24:40] You are looking at them with curiosity in an objective manner.

[00:24:45] You want to kind of go into this thinking, I’m a mind detective. My point is to understand where they are. At in the present moment, emotionally, not whether it makes sense to me, not whether I think it’s valid, not whether I agree. I’m just a detective here trying to figure out, okay, where are they coming from and why?

[00:25:07] This is going to help you gain a lot more understanding and be much more empathetic towards these people, and it’s going to teach you how to better read people more intuitively. Not just these people, but others in general. So that’s what I like to call put yourself in their shoes.

[00:25:24] Okay.

Tip number four for how to improve your emotional intelligence is active listening.

[00:25:34] So let me tell you, we all think we listen to people. Yet we don’t. We might just kind of sort of hear them. And there is a difference, y’all. This is what I learned when I went through coaching school, and I need you to think about this.

Think about the last conversation you had and how often you really didn’t listen to the full thing they were saying. But instead, you were thinking about something else that needed to get done. You were thinking about a fight you had with your kid or your partner or your parenthood or somebody else.

[00:26:05] You were thinking about something that was triggered in you based on the conversation you’re having. That happens a lot where it reminds you of something. And then you start thinking about, well, what I want to say next, too, right?

We’re having these conversations with people. We’re not fully listening to them. Active listening is whenever you notice your brain gets triggered and wants to go on a tangent about, oh, yeah, I remember. Da da da da da. Oh, I want to say this.

[00:26:31] You stop it, and you hone back in. Into that very present moment just to listen to them.

[00:26:41] You need to be curious.

[00:26:44] You need to shut off assumptions. You want to go into these types of conversations reminding yourself, I’m here to actively listen. I don’t want to assume. I want to be open. I want to be curious. Let’s do that.

So you kind of have to cue yourself, prep yourself, and then I also recommend having a verbal cue, a word you tell yourself if you notice your brain getting off on a tangent and wanting to plan around what you want to say or being reminded of something, and you’re thinking off, right? Like, no, get back to the present. So figure out a cue to tell yourself, to help you do that.

[00:27:23] Maybe it’s “later”.

[00:27:25] It could be as simple as that. Right?

So the point of active listening is you’re not seeking to give your opinion. You’re not seeking to say anything. You are there just to listen. You’ve got to get comfortable with silence, with some pausing.

What tends to happen when we talk to people is we listen a little bit and then of course, our brain goes off on this tangent, and then we start forming what we want to say. And then we either interrupt them or they’re barely finished, like, they’ve hardly even taken a breath, and we’re like, pouncing to say what we want to say. Well, we haven’t fully listened to them.

Instead, pay more attention to what they’re really saying. Pay attention to the choice of words. They matter. Pay attention to body language. Pay attention to tone.

[00:28:11] Pay attention to their general demeanor.

[00:28:14] When they’re done, instead of going into your thoughts and opinions, paraphrase what you think you just heard to ensure you understood correctly. Let them come back and say more. Then, and only then do you need to say anything.

[00:28:32] And it might just be another question. Right?

[00:28:37] That’s what active listening really is. Start practicing that.

The best times to do this is anytime you’re having a longer real conversation with somebody. Do this with loved ones. Also practice this at networking events.

[00:28:56] That’s a really good place to practice this.

[00:28:59] You are going to become not just a better listener, but you’re going to learn a lot more about people. You’re going to learn a lot of nonverbal cues. This also will help you be more understanding and empathetic of others.

[00:29:14] It will help you build better, stronger relationships with clients, colleagues, family members.

[00:29:21] Active listening is a goldmine.

Okay, final tip for how to improve your emotional intelligence: get out more often.

[00:29:33] I had, I think it was the beginning of last season, an entire episode of how remote work is actually hurting us socially, professionally, in all kinds of manners. And I’m not saying it’s all bad because there is some good, but we need to recognize that many of us are not getting out as much. And even when we are, we’re in a bubble. We’re in a bubble of our own making of those we know the best.

[00:29:58] I want you to get out more.

[00:30:00] You are hurting yourself and cutting off your ability to develop your full EQ when you don’t get out and active with people, you don’t really know that well. So get out.

Go to more networking events, get outside more. Pay attention to people. Seek out interesting conversations, go to more social functions, be curious, be open, and especially seek out to have conversations with people who might seem different from you.

[00:30:36] They look different, yes, but not just that.

[00:30:39] Their faith might be different, their politics might be different, their practices might be something you never would have wanted to get into. You name it. Ask penetrating questions that get the other person talking and listen.

[00:30:53] Find connection points with them.

[00:30:56] All right, so those are my top five tips for getting started to improve your emotional intelligence. As mentioned before, if you do not have the Legal Mindset Mastery Toolkit, I highly recommend you get it. Utilizing these tools will help to improve your emotional intelligence. They will also decrease stress and sharpen your mind to be a better lawyer. I highly recommend you get it, and will put a link to it in the show notes.

That is it for today. We will be back next week. Bye for now.