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Episode 184: Lawyer Impostor Syndrome (Need Not Be A Negative)

by Heather Moulder | Life & Law Podcast

Let’s talk about lawyer impostor syndrome (because it comes up a lot in my coaching).

I’ve had impostor syndrome since I was a teenager (meaning: well over 35 years). And although I used to struggle with it mightily, I’m now ok with it even though I sometimes STILL feel like an impostor.

Which is why we are talking about how to turn impostor syndrome on its head and embrace it for your benefit.

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Episode Transcript

[00:01:07] Hello, hello everybody. This is Heather Moulder with the Life & Law Podcast. And today we are getting into lawyer imposter syndrome. Now, I have covered imposter syndrome in the past. I covered it very early on. I think it was season one of this podcast.

In that particular podcast we covered what is imposter syndrome and some ways for overcoming it. And I stand by that. If you have not heard it, you may want to go back and listen to it, especially if you are on the fence as to whether, you know:

  • You’re not sure what it is; or
  • Do you actually suffer from it;
  • What is the difference between lacking some self confidence and actual imposter syndrome?

Because we’re not going to get into the what is today.

[00:01:50] I will put a link to that episode in the show notes. I also stand by the ways that I covered in that original episode around how to start overcoming it.

Rethinking Impostor Syndrome (Because It’s A Normal Feeling)

But today we’re going to talk about it a little bit differently.

Because as I’ve continued to coach around this issue, as I’ve continued to wrestle with it myself in my own life, in my current business, over the years, as an attorney, as a practicing attorney – I’ve wrestled with it from time to time. I’ve started to realize that you can turn imposter syndrome on its head, and think of it a little bit differently to overcome it.

And so we’re gonna talk about that today because I find that this concept of imposter syndrome…

We tend to think “Something’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t have these feelings. I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t.” Right? So we shouldn’t all over ourselves as a result. And the longer I’m living, the longer I’m coaching, the longer I see it, not just in my clients but sometimes showing up in myself, the more I realize, it’s normal.

[00:03:03] And maybe we need to rethink it in order to approach it differently and change how it impacts us. And so that’s part of the overcoming. It’s a different way to overcome. It’s rethinking and then challenging it in different ways. So that is what we are getting into.

[00:03:20] So something that kind of got me along, this, as I have continued to grapple with it myself over the many years and as I’ve been coaching people who come to me saying, I feel like an imposter, I suffer from imposter syndrome, is this.

There’s this idea that something’s wrong with you because you feel this way. And yet what I’m finding more and more is it’s absolutely common to question whether you have what it takes whenever you push yourself out of your comfort zone.

[00:03:48] And it’s also common to compare yourself to people who are ahead of you that you want to be like.

[00:03:55] And when you do those things, it’s common to start wondering:

  • Do I have what it takes?
  • Do I know enough?
  • Am I good enough?
  • Am I going to be able to make it?

And also quite common to then take that next step and feel like “Oh, my gosh, I don’t. Or I’m not where I should be.” Or start to fear and think about “Oh my gosh, what if people realize I’m not really as confident as they seem to think I am, as I come across?”. And to think “I’m a fraud and I’m an imposter, and are they going to figure this out about me.”

[00:04:32] So almost every high achiever I’ve ever known that I’ve talked to about this issue has felt this way at some point in their career.

[00:04:44] And even when they think they’ve combated it, and this has definitely been the case for me, they’ve overcome it. They’re feeling great, and it could be years, something happens, and poof, it’s right back there again. Because again, they’re high achievers. They’re pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. And this is a natural way to think and feel when in that situation.

[00:05:10] Now, why am I normalizing this? Because I think part of the problem of when it really pulls us down and takes over is when we start to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way, that something is wrong with us. And maybe some of this has to do with what we call it, imposter syndrome. That syndrome thing makes it feel worse than it is. I have a syndrome. Something is wrong with me.

[00:05:36] I don’t care what you call it. Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s actually quite normal in high achievers because of what we’re doing, because we’re pushing ourselves, because we’re trying new things, because we’re uncomfortable.

Impostor Syndrome Might Never (Probably Won’t Ever) Go Away

[00:05:49] And I do not believe. I know there are some coaches out there who like to teach and preach that you can get to a place where you never feel this way. I actually don’t believe that. I’ve got 51 years under me. Yes. I’m 51 years old and I have learned over the years that that just, it’s. I don’t think that’s truly possible. And I think it’s okay because you’re a human being and you have feelings.

Whenever you push yourself out of your comfort zone, it is very normal and okay to have doubts and to compare and to wonder and all of that can lead to that feeling of imposter syndrome. The key is not allowing it to take over and stop you from moving forward, to allow it to get to more than just uncomfortable, but to live in that fear state. That’s the key is not getting to that place. But part of what I’ve learned is not allowing yourself to get to that place is to let go of worrying about “Is something wrong with me?” and to just be there and accept, which is my first step for you.

Reminder: How The Brain Works

[00:07:00] So before moving into that first step, something I want to note that I think is really important to understand here is part of this whole acceptance and allowing it to be and the reasoning for accepting that this is a normal state and it’s okay if you feel this way from time to time is that we all have mechanisms within our brain.

Our brain is wired to work in certain ways and we need to feel fear and we need to doubt and we need to worry. That’s part and parcel of being a human being, but it’s also part of being a high achiever and looking forward and planning around risk and thinking through, okay, what could happen and how would I approach it?

5 Things to Turn Lawyer Impostor Syndrome On Its Head

The trick again is ensuring it isn’t going to stop you is it isn’t going to hold you back. So let’s go through the five things that I want you to start doing if you suffer from imposter syndrome. So these are the things to do when you’re feeling it take over. When you’re feeling it come up and hopefully before it even really takes over. Okay?

Step 1: Accept

So step number one is accept. I’ve already hinted at this. I’ve gotten into this a little bit. But as I said before, practically every lawyer and frankly, most every high achiever I’ve ever talked to, feels this way at some point. And it comes and goes based on what’s going on in their lives, based on circumstances, based on, you know, what they’re dealing with.

[00:08:30] It’s normal. You are normal. Nothing is wrong with you.

I want you to proactively start accepting that as fact. It’s time to accept it so that you don’t dwell within it. That’s when it takes over and stops you.

So, accept proactively. Talk to yourself. I’ve talked before about how you have this voice inside of your head and that person is not you. You need to pull that out. That’s the person talking to you with the imposter syndrome. Right?

When these things come up; talk to them: “This is okay. This means I’m a high achiever. This means I’m pushing myself. This is normal. Nothing is wrong with me. Lots of others feel this way.”

Now, the second step after you start this. So start this now even when you’re not feeling it. But when you start to feel the feelings, you need to go beyond just acceptance because it’s not enough. Because that voice likes to take over. And no, no, no, no, no. This is special.

[00:09:28] You’re different. And here’s why.

Step 2: Talk to others.

You need to start talking, talking to other people. Talk to other lawyers about how you feel. Now, it does need to be people you trust; people you feel comfortable confiding in. So you need to make sure you have a support network of peers and colleagues like that. This can be mentors, this can be peers on your same level. I actually recommend you have both in your corner. Both serve a different purpose, and both are really helpful for this.

[00:10:00] As soon as you start sharing how you’re feeling, that this is how you’re feeling, you’re gonna quickly learn that you’re not alone. Right?

[00:10:09] So, for example, you probably know by now, I run a mastermind. Every year I open it up to fellow attorneys who want to grow their book of business.

[00:10:20] And there was a particular mastermind a couple of years ago where I had two people coming in really feeling like imposters, feeling like I’m not sure I can build a book. And it’s not that I can’t build it. It’s the business side, right. Once it starts growing, I have to start paying attention to the finances more. I feel like an imposter in that area. That’s really, really hard.

And this is frankly a common theme that I hear from my lawyer clients who are building and growing. They feel they start to get comfortable at business development, but then they start to doubt themselves in those other areas and imposter syndrome leeches in. And one of the biggest things that I find that imposter syndrome comes in in this instance is because other people are like, telling them, you’re killing it, you’re doing great. Oh, my gosh. Like, they’re giving them all these kudos, which they deserve, but they don’t feel like it on the inside because it’s opened up a whole new area that they don’t quite understand. And so that’s where the imposter syndrome comes from.

[00:11:16] So the reason I have this mastermind. Well, the mastermind, I have it for several reasons. One, because lawyers constantly tell me they feel isolated and like they’re doing things on their own and they want some group support. The second thing is that imposter syndrome.

I had a group a couple years ago where two ladies came in specifically saying they were dealing with that. And by the end of it, and frankly, it was way before the end, it was like a month or two in, they weren’t really suffering from it anymore because they were talking to one another and realizing, oh, my gosh, I’m not the only one.

You don’t have to be a member of my mastermind to do this. And in fact, even if you are a member, member of my mastermind, you need other attorneys who are your support system, who you can go and talk to about these types of things. Because you’re going to find out you’re not the only one. And I cannot stress enough the importance of this, of talking to other attorneys, sharing how you feel and finding out, hey, I’m not alone.

So this works so well because of what imposter syndrome does, right? It makes you feel like you are the only one, which makes you feel like a dunce, like an imposter. Why should anybody place their faith in you when you feel this way? Somebody else would be better, which is wrong. Because that somebody else probably feels this way too. Or at least has at some point.

So what this is really doing is normalizing the feeling. Talking to others helps normalize it. It makes it so much easier. That discomfort level goes down.

[00:12:58] Okay, so step one was accept. Step two is talk.

Step 3: Embrace.

[00:13:04] So I mentioned this earlier, but it bears repeating. You know what this means when we feel this way every time this happens? What it means is that you’re challenging yourself to grow into the next best version of you.

[00:13:18] You’re feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable because you’re pushing yourself. You’re getting outside of that comfort zone. And that brain, that brain doesn’t like it. It doesn’t like the discomfort. It doesn’t like vulnerability.

[00:13:31] So instead of running from that feeling, from pushing it away, ignoring it even, you want to own it. That’s what embracing it is about.

Own it. Remind yourself proactively about what this really means. It’s unlikely to happen if you haven’t shared how you feel with others and still feel like you’re the only one and like something is wrong with you. So you want to make sure that this comes after step two. So step one again is accept. Step two is talk. Step three is embrace. Own it.

[00:14:04] It’s okay to feel this way. My brain is working the way it is supposed to. What it means is I’m pushing myself, right? Don’t run from it. Embrace it. Be with it. Allow it to be there. Allow it not to take over, but to just be. To kind of sit with it. That’s what owning it and embracing it is all about.

Next you get into step four, and again, we’ve hinted at this proactively.

Step 4: Congratulate yourself.

This might sound a little weird, but look, it’s only high achievers who feel like this. Underachievers don’t feel like imposters, right?

[00:14:45] Because they don’t generally have a reason to feel like one. Congratulate yourself for what this feeling truly means. You’re growing. You’re challenging yourself. You’re learning. It’s okay if you feel vulnerable because you wouldn’t grow. But for that, it’s okay if it doesn’t turn out perfectly or even well, because you will benefit regardless. You can learn from it. You’ll be better for it, which is actually quite a good thing. Congratulate yourself.

So again, accept, then talk. Then start to own it by embracing. Then go even further by congratulating yourself. And then we get to the fifth and final piece.

Step 5: Manage.

Now it is time – and all of these things you kind of go through at once, very quickly – it’s time to manage. You need to manage your mind.

[00:15:41] Now this exercise that I’ve given you, this five step exercise is actually part and parcel of managing your mind, your mindset. But you actually want to go further than that by incorporating daily habits and routines that are designed to help you manage your mind a little bit better so that you can get comfortable with feeling this way. I call it getting comfortable with the discomfort of vulnerability.

[00:16:04] So what tools are we talking about? Well, you could journal about this. You can journal this whole five step process that I’m going through today about accepting and embracing and congratulating and all of that, right?

[00:16:18] Utilize things like journaling, practicing gratitude, reframing. I’ve talked about these in past episodes about how to use these specific tools. If you don’t remember them, then I highly recommend you go back and listen to them and listen to them with a different bent. Even if you do remember them, go back and listen to them with an eye towards, well, how would I utilize this when this feeling comes up? How might I reframe? How might I be grateful for that? Reframe even? You can combine the two.

[00:16:54] Utilize the mindset tools that are at your disposal to really help manage your mind and your mindset. Now remember, this doesn’t mean the feelings don’t exist. This doesn’t mean you push it away. This doesn’t mean you ignore. You’re managing it by being there with it, by allowing yourself to sit with it, by being okay with the fact that you’re vulnerable because you’re human.

And then you’re utilizing these tools to become more self aware, to question the thoughts, to challenge the thoughts, not to ignore them, not to change them immediately. They change over time by challenging, by questioning, by sitting with. Okay, all right. So quick summary. Whenever you’re feeling imposter syndrome, accept, talk, embrace, congratulate and manage. Those are the five things that will help you to really rethink and reframe how you even think about imposter syndrome. Allow it to be. Allow it to actually work in your favor sometimes and not let it take over.

[00:18:05] That is it for this week. We will be back next week with a special guest. Bye for now.

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Heather Moulder in kitchen wearing light purple top

I’m Heather Moulder, a former Big Law partner who traded in my multi-million dollar practice to help lawyers achieve balanced success. Because success shouldn’t mean having to sacrifice your health, relationships or sanity.

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