#179: Top Tool for Lawyer Stress Prevention

[00:01:36] Well, hey there everybody. This is Heather Moulder with the Life & Law Podcast. And since we are in the thick of the holiday season, which is interesting to me that so many of us find the holidays to be so incredibly stressful. And it’s sad in my mind because growing up, I don’t know about you, but I know for me growing up this time of year was magical. I loved it. I looked forward to it.

I was semi depressed the day after Christmas when it felt like it was all over and actually not the day after Christmas, I would get a little bit down because that magical piece was gone. But then you still had New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day and then suddenly it was like the second or the third and everything was being put away and nothing was magical anymore and I would get semi depress and I actually have to admit I feel a little down sometimes still as an adult. So it’s interesting to me that there is that.

And yet once we become adults, we often get so very stressed out around the holiday season.

Year-End Stress For Lawyers (Why It’s So High)

Now, when it comes to lawyer stress, that’s especially the case because of the way that law firms work and for some of us, the way our practices work. So if you are like I used to be, I was a corporate finance attorney.

[00:02:52] The end of the year was by far the craziest time of year. It would start to pick up in late August and into September. By October it was crazy. November was insane. December, pure and utter chaos. And everything was building up to the end of the year because we always had to close our deals to the end of the year. And most of the stuff we would try to get done by Christmas, for obvious reasons, a vast majority of it would not happen then. We would spend that week after Christmas finishing it up. And there would always be a couple that would then fall into that first week or two. And one of the funniest things now it’s funny, it wasn’t then to me was how hard we worked on the ones that fell into January. And then the moment we hit January it’s like, eh, if it closes at the end of January, that’s okay.

[00:03:39] So that was always interesting to me. But so that’s, that’s one portion of it, right? If your practice is like mine was and it’s very deal driven and end of year driven, then you’re probably especially crazy this time of year.

But even if not, the end of the year tends to be much more stressful in law firms and in the law firm environment. And a lot of that has to do with collections because most of us are trying to get our year end collections now. A lot of law firms base what they pay their partners and associates off of the full end of calendar year collections. And so that’s a big piece of the puzzle.

But even for those law firms that don’t, it can get pretty hectic because a lot of our clients see the calendar year as their fiscal year. And so it just gets very difficult. We’re all trying to get that end of your collections in. We’re trying to talk with our clients, we’re trying to get deals closed, we’re trying to, you know, whatever it is within our practice, get all of that done.

And then you add in that extra layer of the holidays and the holiday parties and feeling like you need to be on all of the time. And funny enough, most of us lawyers are actually more introverted. And so we’re required to get out there and be on more and more during this time period. And that often means stress. And it feels more stressful because (A) even if we’re really good in those situations, it drains us; and (B) because we’re in these situations so often and we feel like we need to be on.

We often like think of that as, oh, that means I have to sell. And selling makes a lot of people a bit nervous and stressed out.

And then you also have the family layer, right? I mean, we all love our families, but we tend to get together more often around the holiday season. We’ve all just come away from Thanksgiving where we were with family and then we often see family again over the holidays. And that can be stressful because there’s all kinds of layers to the relationships and such.

So it’s just interesting to me how that changes from this magical time for many of us, at least it was for me as a young person, into a very stressful time.

So because of that, I wanted to come in here and talk specifically about my number one tool for when you are feeling more stressed out, but also for utilizing when it comes to lawyer stress prevention. And I really do mean prevention – preventing from stress ever happening.

Okay, so we’re going to talk about a tool that I’ve talked about before. It is a mindfulness tool. It is a mindfulness tool you have heard me speak specifically about in respect of stress relief in the past and some of today may sound familiar, but it’s not the exact same thing.

So this particular tool can be used in a lot of different ways. And the reason I want to cover it today is because I find this to be the most impactful – not just for me, but in my clients lives. And it’s actually one of the most flexible tools out there. Okay. So it is, I like to call it a mindfulness tool. And a lot of mindfulness exercises are somewhat, there is flexibility in them, but some are less flexible than others.

So if you’re going to meditate, that involves certain types of things. And there are actually many different ways to meditate which I have covered before. And if you have not listened, this was a couple of seasons ago. Now to my fabulous interview with Lexlee Overton, who is a meditation former lawyer turned meditation person.

[00:07:19] That interview was really wonderful and she even has a short like one or two minute meditation in it. So I highly recommend you listen to that. If that’s something that you’ve tried, you want to try, you’d like to get better at, or you’re just curious about. It’s a fabulous episode. Go back and listen to it. I will put a link to that episode into the show notes. But that one is yes, there’s lots of ways to do it, but there’s some inflexibility there.

At least it feels that way to a lot of U.S. attorneys. Right. Well, this other tool can be used in so many ways. And I’ve talked about it in respect of stress relief. I’ve talked about it in respect of how to figure out, like, answers when you’re trying to figure out, okay, I have two really tough decisions to make. How do I choose between A and B? I’m not really sure. Today we are specifically going to talk about it in respect of how to prevent stress, lawyer stress prevention. Because too many times we think about these tools, these mindfulness tools that we hear about all the time. We think about them in respect of, well, let’s just use it to calm my mind when it starts to spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. Let’s utilize it to calm, like breathing, breath work, meditation to calm my whole amygdala down and get the brain, you know, to get refocused when I feel really under pressure. Okay. So we think of these as tools to give yourself a chance to reset.

[00:08:46] And those are great, but did you know that they’re not really enough for that? Because if you are just using them for this singular purpose, to calm down in the moment of stress and reset, you’re not utilizing them to their best use. Okay. And I find this often. So a lot of people come to me saying, okay, Heather, I meditate, I use some mindfulness exercises. I’ve even started journaling, but I still feel stressed out a lot. Yeah, they help a little bit, right? They help calm my mind, they help me reset, they help me get back on track. But I’m not really feeling less stressed overall.

[00:09:27] And generally I still get that pit in my stomach, that anxiety in my throat, and so on and so forth.

The Key To Lawyer Stress Prevention

[00:09:34] So this is what I’m talking about here. The real magic happens when you learn how to utilize these tools to go even deeper.

[00:09:43] And what I mean by that is getting behind your thoughts, changing how you think so that you can change what you think into the future, change your actual beliefs.

[00:09:55] So before we get into this tool, my top mindfulness tool for lawyer stress prevention, I want to note that a lot of these tools can be used for this purpose.

So I’ve talked before about reframing. Reframing is a great one. We’re not going to go that into that today. I’ve talked about it several times. I think one of the better episodes around that is probably, you know what? I will go back and find it. I don’t remember off the top of my head the actual number, but I am going to put a link to that one into the show notes as well.

Meditation is also great. Again, go listen to Lexlee’s interview. I will have that in the show notes because that’s a great one on meditation.

So no matter which tool you’re using, just note that the purpose for using that tool isn’t just for in the moment stress. It is also so that you can prevent future stress from happening.

And what I mean by that is it gets to our thoughts.

Thought-Work

So we often think about stress as things that it’s something that happens to us, but that’s not really the case. That’s not what stress is. Stress is your emotional and then physical reaction to the things that are happening to and around us. And it’s in that reaction where the stress is created.

So if you think about it differently, you can prevent stress from ever occurring. Now, big caveat here. This does not mean stress is never going to happen. Like, you’re never going to be under stress. That’s kind of impossible. You’re a human being.

What this is about is learning to have a more appropriate amount and also learning that it’s not just something you have to keep taking, taking, taking. You can be more proactive about it to prevent a lot of it from happening. So that the stress you do feel is really when things are truly going wrong and it’s called for. And also where even in those situations, you can step back, utilize these tools to, yes, calm down in the moment, but then continue to learn how to utilize them so that they can prevent you from spinning out, acting emotionally, doing things you might later regret, that kind of a thing, that would then cause more stress.

And then also working on your thoughts, your beliefs, those things that I was talking about earlier that are the game changers. Because when we tackle those things, then some things that feel really emotionally charged can become more neutral or closer to neutral, not as charged. That is what we’re talking about when we talk about lawyer stress prevention.

Supporting Your Long-Term Emotional Wellbeing

[00:12:34] So if I haven’t already given you the, you know, the obvious, this is how to best support your emotional wellbeing for the long term, how to improve your emotional intelligence for the long term, and how to also be a much more resilient, stress, resilient person. Now, it doesn’t mean you have to use every tool you know, okay. Or even any particular one every single day. That’s not what this is about. But what I do want you to start thinking about is how to utilize these mindfulness tools, including the one we’re going to talk about today to create a habit.

[00:13:09] And that habit doesn’t need to be, oh, I have to use this tool in this inflexible way every time this occurs. But instead, think of all of these tools as tools within your toolbox, your mindfulness, your stress relief, your stress prevention toolbox, and know how to utilize them in varying ways so that when you are in need, you can step back for a moment, go, you know what? I have several tools I could use. Which one’s the best for this moment? Which one do I want to continue utilizing daily for the next week to help me with around this so that I can change my mentality around this, so that I can utilize this to my benefit for stress prevention, not just stress relief. Okay.

My #1 Tool for Lawyer Stress Prevention

[00:13:48] All right, so let’s get on to my top tool, my number one tool for lawyer stress prevention, and it is journaling.

[00:14:00] Yes. Really? I hope you’re not ruling your eyes because, yes, again, I’ve talked about this a couple of times, but I’ve talked about it in different ways.

So something to note is a lot of lawyers, when I bring up journaling, they kind of roll their eyes. And I think it’s because we get this sense of journaling kind of from the woo community around. You have this special notebook where you just let your thoughts flow and you get creative. And that also puts you on the spot to have to come up with something, anything to say in the moment. That’s not the kind of journaling we’re talking about here.

That can actually work really well for creative brainstorming. It can work for some people, also for stress relief and stress prevention. But in my personal opinion, I find that a lot of lawyers don’t love doing it that way for the reasons I just noted. Okay. So if that is you or you think of journaling in that way, I want you to rethink it.

Instead of journaling like that, I want you to think about journaling primarily when these really difficult things happen, the unexpected events, the, you know, the client calls you with a massive emergency for the 10th time, and they’ve probably known about this for a while, and you’re really angry about it and frustrated by it and wanting to say something to them, but you know you’ll regret it if you do. And so you might need a couple of minutes as soon as you get off the phone and knowing that you’re going to do this in order not to blow up on them on the phone, right. To take that time to journal through it so that you can let go of those emotions to at least to the best of your potential, and move forward in a more proactive manner, in a more rational manner, in a way that you’ll be proud of, and that won’t hurt you and your client relationship moving forward. Right.

It can be when you know that moment that you realize that there was a mistake made in a document and you’re mortified that you didn’t catch it and unhappy about it because, you know, oh, my gosh, what does this say about you? Or maybe it’s even somebody you oversee that made this, and you feel like, well, they shouldn’t have made this mistake. But you know what? I should have called, and this is mortifying. And now I have to call the client and I have to explain, and we have to find a way to fix it. It could also be when a client demanded a short timeline, when you and your entire team were incredibly busy, and maybe they didn’t put it off, maybe it was a real timeline. But it feels like it’s always an emergency with this client. And why does it always have to be this way? And, you know, you’re frustrated and a little bit like, huh, Is this client worth it? They always come to me with this.

[00:16:34] So your subconscious knows exactly how you feel in these moments, and you kind of do. But oftentimes what happens when they happen is we tend to, like, try to push them away and bottle them up because we just want to deal. We just want to deal and move on. Okay? And what I’m saying here is that’s really the most unhealthy way you could possibly deal with it. And when we do that type of thing, that is how we end up getting bitter and have resentment built up that then one day does come out in a way that mortifies us even more and in a way that we really don’t like. Okay?

[00:17:11] And so you want to deal with these emotions, Whether you’re angry at somebody, you’re frustrated with somebody, or you’re maybe mortified with yourself for having let something happen in a particular way. You need to deal with them in a healthy manner so that you can then get to the other side of that emotion, Think more rationally and change the way you deal with things. Because when we push these emotions, these feelings away, when we don’t pay proper attention to them, then we tend to repeat ourselves over and over and over again. Number one. And B, we let that stuff just sit there and it ferments and it makes us feel terrible. And if you think that is not impacting how you’re showing up. Well, I’m here to tell you you are very, very wrong about that. Okay?

[00:17:59] So this is why, when in these moments, journaling can be so impactful for stress prevention, because it forces you to sit down and think through it in a more rational manner, and it kind of automatically calms that brain down and helps you to think through it. But then it takes it a step further because then you go through a process through this journaling to help you kind of problem solve more effectively and more quickly to get to a better place.

[00:18:30] So this is why I love journaling so much, and this is why I want you to try utilizing it. All right, so here’s what we’re going to do. I want you. Now, if you are in a car or somewhere where you can’t write this down, then feel free to pause this and replay it or, you know, when you’re ready or capable or listen to this and then come back later, because I want you to write this down, and I want you to try these journaling prompts to help you when you are in these unexpected or difficult situations where all the emotions are coming.

Step 1

So the first thing is you ask yourself a question. In fact, most of these are all. I think all of these are going to be questions. But question one is, what exactly am I feeling? So you want to put down every single word that comes to mind in respect of how you’re feeling. I feel angry. I feel irritated. I feel mortified. I feel worried. Right.

[00:19:26] Angry that my client is doing this again. Irritated that I continue to allow them to do it. Right. Worried. But this is going to continue on and on and on.

[00:19:39] Angry that somebody else made a mistake and I didn’t catch it. Mortified about having to call the client and let them know. Worried that the client’s going to be super mad and maybe it’s going to impact the amount of business I get from in the future. So what. What are your emotions? There’s usually more than one, and you want to put actual words to them so you don’t have to get into the why yet. That’s step number two. But you can if you want to combine these two. Because I kind of just did when I told you.

Step 2

So what. What emotions am I feeling? Which ones? Exactly. And then why.

[00:20:16] Why are you feeling this way?

[00:20:19] Now, note earlier. Angry. Angry. Because my associate made a mistake and I should have caught it. Okay, go deeper than that. Well, because this never should have happened. We’re better than this. That’s better. Right? Go further. Go deeper. Irritated. Because this is at least partly due to a very tight timeline required by the client. And you know what? I should have pushed back. So I’m irritated both with the client and I’m irritated with myself because I should have pushed back and said, this is too quick or set boundaries or standards. Right? Mortified, because I would have caught the mistake if I had reviewed more thoroughly.

[00:21:00] Worried the client will fire me because I believe this type of mistake truly is unacceptable. I should have caught the error regardless of the circumstances. Now, note that’s important, that last part. This is why you need to go deep. Because if you say, well, worried that the client will fire me, and then you say, because, you know, even though I feel like we didn’t have enough time, it’s still an unacceptable mistake.

[00:21:26] But you need to come out and say, well, why is it unacceptable? I should have caught the error regardless of the circumstances. Why is that important? Because you need to know your actual thinking here. You need to know all the reasons why you feel angry, irritated, mortified, and worried. And if you don’t go deep enough, you may not get to, I should have caught the error regardless of the circumstances, because that’s one of those things.

But you want to start looking at and going, hmm, is that true? Maybe it has more to do with the fact that this timeline was insane and I never should have agreed to it. And that’s really the lesson I need to learn here. Right? So this is why this is so important, to really go deep and figure out, what am I really thinking here.

Step 3

[00:22:12] Now, the next step is understand that your brain is automatically assuming the absolute worst. Okay? That’s what the brain is meant to do. You have to proactively counteract that. And you can do that by asking, okay, so what else? Or what could be true? What else might be true? What else could be true?

[00:22:33] Asking with this specific language is incredibly important.

[00:22:37] Why? So that your brain isn’t going to fight with you. So if you say, well, why is that not true? Your brain is going to go, no, no, no, no, no. It is. It is. Really, it is. But if you say, well, Maybe that’s not 100% true, maybe that’s not always true, what else could be true? Your brain’s going to be more likely to go along with it so that you can actually answer the question.

Well, my client probably didn’t know how busy we were or how unreasonable the request was. Hmm. It’s not all that surprising that a mistake was made given our circumstances. We are all human. It happens well, although embarrassing, this is a fixable mistake. I can put an action plan together and go to them and explain appropriately.

[00:23:25] This is what enables you to get out of the catastrophizing that our brain really loves to do in these high stress situations and step back and start to challenge, well, start to accept what is the truth here? What else could be true? It helps you to then challenge some of your assumptions, which then helps you challenge some of those beliefs from before as well.

I should have caught the error regardless of the circumstances. Well, maybe not, but I probably should have been more proactive in telling them, you know what, we need more time or this isn’t reasonable and I know it can’t change, but understand it’s not going to be up to our usual standards. Okay, so this is a really important piece and you need to ask it correctly. Now the next step.

Step 4

The next step is also important because you really need to do this to be able to let go and move on and integrate what you’re learning through this process into your day to day and into your future. This is where the stress prevention piece really comes into play. So the next question is, what do I choose to learn from this experience?

[00:24:40] So before you choose what you want to do about the problem, you want to identify what you choose to learn and the reason you want to do this first. Some people flip this. I find this better before you choose what to do because sometimes this can better help identify what to do next to aid in your decision making for what to do next. So let’s see, I’ve learned to communicate with clients about unreasonable expectations and timelines upfront and also the risk involved if they are not willing or able to make changes and we still take the work on.

[00:25:14] I have learned that sometimes it might be better to say no to the work because it’s just too risky.

[00:25:20] I have learned to set aside time for me to review projects more thoroughly when team members are overloaded. I have learned that we all do make mistakes and I can’t expect perfection, but that there are probably some systems and processes that I could have in place that would help reduce these types of mistakes in the future.

[00:25:41] It’s really important to do this process because this is going to help you with the final one.

Step 5

[00:25:48] Now it’s time to make an intentional decision about what to do next, about the situation at hand, the reason you’re so stressed, the whole shebang of what we’ve been through.

So your next question is, what do I choose to do about this?

This is going to help you go back to the client and let them know, you know, what this really was. We all talked about how this was an unreasonable timeline and this is a lesson learned, we needed to extend it or we should just not have taken the work. And unfortunately, a mistake was made. And here’s how we’re going to remedy it and here’s how we’re going to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Right?

[00:26:29] But this enables you to really get to the gut of the problem. Let them know what happened, let them know why without it being an excuse, and let them know what you’re doing about it and how you want to move forward with said problem.

It’s also going to help you have a better conversation with, let’s say a mistake was made by somebody else that you oversee. Well, you need to go back and let them know. But instead of going in there, emotions high, you’re going to say, look, I understand you were under a lot of pressure. I understand part of this was my breakdown. Here’s what I’m doing to move forward. Here’s how I’m going to help you better moving forward. Here’s what I’m committing to do moving forward. And also here’s what I need from you to ensure this doesn’t happen again, because it can’t. And here’s why. And here’s how I think the mistake happened. And here’s how I think you can best support yourself in this scenario. If it happens again, this leads to a better final resolution.

[00:27:27] So think about it. Let’s say something like this does happen, right? And we all see this. We make mistakes. Clients come to us with insane requests that we try to meet and we probably shouldn’t.

[00:27:42] This helps you not only deal with the problem at hand, but it also helps you plan better in the future. It helps you to become much more self aware around the things that trigger mistakes, the things that trigger high stress, and enables you to make better decisions for yourself and your team moving forward. When those types of things come in because you’ve been more intentional about what you’ve learned, you’ve been more intentional about how you got into that position. So you’re much less likely to do it again.

[00:28:14] By having gone through this process, we’re just going to summarize it briefly.

[00:28:19] You’re going to be less emotional and reactive. You’re going to be more likely to explain what happened in a proactive, responsible manner that isn’t excuse making versus being defensive and inartful without a full explanation or sounding like you’re making excuses. No it won’t magically fix what already happened, but it will ensure that you’ve made the best possible decision in the moment and it will save you future stress and anxiety as a result.

[00:28:49] Broaden how you use mindfulness and mindset tools instead of thinking about them as ways to calm down in the moment only, or even using them as part of an inflexible daily routine that’s probably gotten to the point where you’re just going through the motions. I want you to start utilizing them in a way that enables you to become more self aware of your thoughts and your feelings, to explore what else could be true, and to make more intentional, less emotionally charged decisions.

[00:29:23] Okay, so that was my favorite lawyer stress prevention tool.

[00:29:28] If you do not have the Legal Mindset Mastery Toolkit, you’re going to want to get it. It has journaling in there and it has some ways to utilize it like what we cover today, but also has nine others. It’s got a total of 10 mindset and mindfulness and stress prevention tools that you can start utilizing to, yes, calm your brain down, reset, refocus, but also for the long game to become more self aware, to change how you think, to change how you speak to yourself, to change your long term emotional responses.

[00:30:02] It is a game changer y’all, so I recommend you go get it. I will put a link to that in the show notes as well. That’s it for this week. Bye for now.