#227: Want to Leave Your Law Firm But Can’t – Yet?

[00:00:58] Hello. Hello everybody. This is Heather Moulder, and welcome to Life & Law.

So today we’re going to get into something that has come up a couple of times over the last year in my coaching. Should you always leave when things feel a bit toxic? And this usually comes up when you’re in the middle of a big case or deal that would be really good for your resume. Or perhaps you moved to a new firm, and you haven’t been there very long and don’t want your resume to look like you’re a jumper, right? Until you figure, I need to stay, stick it out for at least 18 months to two years.

Or maybe there’s some other reason that just makes sense to you. Does it make sense if the place feels toxic for you?

[00:01:46] And if so, if you can make it stick for at least a little while, how do you do it without losing yourself in the process, without losing your sanity, without getting so overwhelmed that you end up in total burnout.

This Happened To Me Early In My Legal Career

I had this happen to me in my career. I’ve been pretty honest about how I was burning out in my first firm and I had this moment after my. It was third, fourth year, sometime around there where I had this epiphany of I can’t do this anymore. Like I can’t, I can’t do this, what I’m doing anymore. And I think this is the wrong place for me for the long term. I of the career I actually want.

And I had to go through a couple of months of figuring out, do I need to leave now?

[00:02:29] I did start looking, actually, should I stay for a while? And why, if so, ultimately I kept my doors open and I did look, but I didn’t find a whole lot that was all that different than what I was already dealing with. At least it didn’t seem like that and so it didn’t really make sense, sense for me to jump at the time.

I also knew that I was working with people who were very well known in the industry. And I was getting amazing, and I mean truly amazing experience at that point. I was stepping up into new roles. I was being asked to do new things and really lead a lot more.

[00:03:05] And the experience I was getting and then the types of deals I was getting was truly phenomenal. I also knew that the people I was working for, although a bit difficult at times, and sometimes, sometimes it wasn’t so much them as much as the personality differences in me and how they like to work versus how I like to work. And also the culture fit of the firm was just a bit oppressive to me. It was very hierarchical. It was very old school.

I’m all about freedom and independence and I didn’t feel like that. And so the culture itself felt a little toxic for me. I realized ultimately that’s a big reason why I felt so burnt out. It wasn’t so much the people or the exact work, it was that. And so all of these things I was figuring out as I was looking and not finding much that was all that different.

[00:03:54] What I realized was I could make it work there for a time because I kind of needed to. I wanted to finish out at least four to five years there. This was in my third year. I knew I was going to get great experience. I knew that at point I would be considered senior enough where I could get a really good job elsewhere.

I wanted a specific type of experience and I wanted. There were certain people I wanted to start working with more so that I could get that experience. And so I decided to stay while keeping my options open.

[00:04:26] And I decided to stay in a new way. However, I needed to set new boundaries. I needed to make it work for me because what wasn’t working was how I had been working and the mindset that I had. And so a lot needed to change for me to be able to stay. And I also knew if this doesn’t work after the next four to six months, I am out. Like I’ll just jump ship somewhere if I have to because it’s just so bad for me. But I did make it work. And that last year and a half, although it wasn’t the right place and I knew it, although I did have moments of high stress and you know, there were some difficulties, I was no longer in burnout mode because I had changed enough. So because this came up in my career and I figured out a way.

And because it’s come up with some of my clients, and they have decided, you know what? This makes sense for me to stay. And it makes sense for me to stay for this reason, for this time period. They’re very clear about it, okay, we’ve made it work for them.

And then often they do jump ship. Now, sometimes things change in those firm environments by the time they get to the end and they realize, I can make this work here, and I didn’t realize it, and I’m good, and sometimes it’s all right, it’s time, I’m ready to leave.

When Might Staying Be A Good Idea (Even When You Know It’s Not the Right Long-Term Fit)?

[00:05:42] So let’s talk about when staying is the right call. Because let’s be honest, not every bad situation requires an immediate exit. Sometimes you do want to finish a case that could define your career. Sometimes you just moved, and you don’t really want to jump again soon. You want to get at least 12 to 18 months in before moving again.

Sometimes the market is especially tough. The timing just isn’t right. And, you know, it probably makes sense for you to stay for a time period.

[00:06:15] So just know that when you do this in a very intentional and strategic way, staying doesn’t mean you’re weak or stuck. It is strategic, it is intentional. And if you approach it the right way, you’re fine or at least good for a time.

The problem is that most people stay without a strategy. They white knuckle it, hope things will get better and slowly burn out. That, my friends, is not sustainable. The solution is to have a plan for staying with intention, a plan that helps protect your mindset and your future.

Framework For Staying Strategically (Without Losing Yourself In the Process)

[00:06:53] So here is my framework for what to do in this situation. You know you want to stay. You know a reason why you want to stay. You need to have an intentional strategy around staying that protects you professionally and personally, while also having a backup plan that gives you an out.

Not just when you plan it like you have a plan for that, but if certain circumstances or things happen, you’re kind of like, okay, we’re done. All right, that’s what you need.

Step 1: Clearly Identify Why You’re Staying

[00:07:22] So step number one, identify exactly why you’re staying. You need to have crystal clarity on the reason you’re staying. Is it the experience? What experience? What specifically is it that you’re trying to get? Get crystal clear on this.

Is it a particular case or deal that you want on your resume that you want to be able to talk about, to have on there that really could be good for you? Do you need consistency on your resume so, you know, you need to stick it out for 12, 18 months, maybe two years? Because you’ve jumped around a lot up until now.

Are you building relationships or expertise that you really want to have later for your long-term plans in your care?

Why is it that you’re staying? You can’t, you can’t create a plan if you don’t know this reason. So get crystal clear around the reason because this also will help you, help give you your time frame and that is really important.

[00:08:22] So step one is get clear on the reason. Identify exactly why you’re staying. Now that’s not where you end. Once you’re clear on the reason, you also need to name the positive in a very honest way. So don’t ignore the negatives, don’t manufacture fake positives. But there is something you’re getting out of this. You’ve defined already what your clear reason is. What is it? Write it down. Okay.

What are you learning through this? How is this experience going to benefit you into the future? How does it play into your long-term goals and long-term vision for the practice that you ultimately want? And write these things down. Because when things get hard, and they will, you’re going to need something concrete to return to.

I’m here because [why], I’m getting [what] out of this? This will help me [what] in the future?

[00:09:19] Clarity on the why is the foundation of your mindset. Without it, you’re going to drift into resentment and victimhood. Without it, you can not sustain yourself. But with this why, with the clear vision and reason, with the knowledge around the positive, exactly what you’re getting out of it, you can endure a lot more. For this is very clear, a defined period.

Step 2: Have A Clear Endpoint

[00:09:46] So that gets us into step number two. Create a plan with an end date. So you need to first set your endpoint. Remember, you’ve defined the why, what you’re staying for.

Know Your Trigger

Maybe it’s finishing a major case that will take most of the next year. Maybe it’s hitting certain milestone, like an experience level that you need that you think will take you 12 to 18 months. Maybe it’s getting to a particular title, senior counsel, partner. Maybe it’s a specific time frame. I need to be here at least 18 months before moving again.

[00:10:18] Now, even if you don’t know the exact date, you will know the trigger, the point at which you’re done. When this case is done, I’m out. When I hit two years, I’ll start actively looking. You need some endpoint, and this is really important. Set that endpoint and then make your endpoint non-negotiable. This is set in stone in your mind, no excuses. Once you reach that point, you need to get behind this. Your mind needs to be fully behind this.

This is what will keep you grounded. The end date is what keeps you sane. I can endure this. Here’s why. Here’s what I’m here for. And I know this will end. You need that.

Define What You’ll Do When You Reach Your Endpoint

[00:10:58] And the third part of your plan is knowing what you’re going to do when the endpoint is there. And let me note, don’t set that endpoint too late.

So it’s if it is event specific. So I need to get through this case. I need to get this big deal that’s going to take six months done. I want it on my resume. Well, it could make some sense to start looking actively ahead of that specific date, right? Because it takes time. So maybe two months ahead of that end date, when you know it’s coming, it’s getting close, you actually start looking then. Don’t wait too long, and know what you’ll do.

This has got to be something concrete. As soon as you meet that endpoint, I will reach out to. I have these people in mind. I’m already starting to talk about it. I’ve told them, I’ve told them to reach out to me. That’s an even better one. That’s actually what I did.

[00:11:49] I knew I wanted to wait, but I also wanted my options open. So I reached out to some people I trusted who were good recruiters, let them know I wasn’t ready to leave, but when I thought I would be, what I was looking for and why. And they started being on the lookout for me so that they could let me know if there were opportunities ahead of time.

And they actually. I knew they would come back to me when the time was right. So I kind of had, you know, something set in stone where people were going to be bugging me when the time was right, and that would help me move forward and not get cold feet. Because guess what?

Our brains don’t like change. And we’re much more willing to put up with misery now than change oftentimes. So having something like that is very helpful to getting you moving.

Step 3: Keep Your Mind Open for Opportunities (Make Your Endpoint Negotiable)

[00:12:38] All right, step number three, stay open to opportunities in the here and now and near future, regardless of your plan. So having a plan does not mean you’re locked in no matter what. If the right opportunity comes along before your end date, you are allowed to take it.

This is about mindset.

So you need to know that you could leave now if you chose to and that you’re just choosing not to Right now for a very specific reason. This truly changes how you feel and makes everything a lot easier in the short term.

[00:13:10] But it also allows you to know, I’ve made this a choice, and choices can change, right? So also, you need to know that this is not set in stone. Although you have a plan, you could change your mind due to a new opportunity that you can’t foresee. A shift of circumstances, maybe. So that’s the mindset shift that you’ve got to start with. The next point on staying open to opportunities is consider a soft search, like I mentioned earlier. Maybe let a trusted recruiter know you’re not actively looking now, but would seriously consider the right opportunity and what that is. This will keep options flowing without the pressure of a full job search. And again, there is something about having that mindset shift and then seeing what’s out there that makes it a lot easier because you know you actually have choices.

Makes it easier to get through the thing you’re trying to get through, despite the fact that you already know this is not the right place for you in the long term.

Know What “Right” Looks/Feels Like

[00:14:09] The third thing is you need to understand what right looks like. Like, if something came along tomorrow, what would make you say yes?

Define it now so you’re not caught off guard or tempted by the wrong thing. Be very clear around what is wrong here and what do I not want and what do I know I want? Now, we often don’t know 100% what we want, but we have an idea of some of them. And your values are a real guide here. Okay, Your values are a guide to. Okay, what is wrong about this place.

[00:14:39] And don’t stick with what is wrong. We’re really good as lawyers of listing all the things we don’t like. Okay, we’ll flip them around. And what does the opposite look like? What would we rather have? Have a clear idea of that. And that means relationships, that means culture, that means business development opportunities, that means professional development support. That also means the kind of work you actually want to be doing.

It means considering the practice you actually want to build and ensuring it’s the right place for, if not that, for getting some of the experience you want and need for the practice you ultimately want to build.

Network & Stay Connected

[00:15:14] The last thing I would say is stay connected to your network and pay attention to what’s happening in the market. So don’t close yourself off just because you’ve committed to staying for now. Part of staying grounded and positive while executing your plan is knowing you have options and that you’ve chosen not to exercise them just yet. This is truly a choice when you stay connected to everything. It’s part of the. I’m on the lookout to help me know what right is. I’m on the lookout for soft searches just in case the right opportunity comes out. I’m on the lookout for these things because you never know and circumstances can change.

All right, that was step three.

Step 4: Define Clear Boundaries & Enforce Them

[00:15:53] Step four, set clear boundaries.

Define Your Non-Negotiables, Build Boundaries Around Them

So the first part of this is to define your non-negotiables. What will you tolerate and what will you not tolerate? Where are the lines you won’t let anyone cross? No matter your plan, there will be things that you know. You know what? This has gotta stop because I can’t function in this.

I will tell you, back when I stayed in my first firm, there was a particular attorney who was really bad about reaching out whenever and expecting you to always be at the beck and call of them, no matter what, even if you were really busy on other people’s stuff. And so I basically, over a couple month period, got to the point where I got as much work from other people as I possibly could and really limited the work from this person.

And on the work that I did for this person, I set very clear boundaries. And she didn’t always like it, but she had to deal with it. And they were reasonable. And frankly, I was fine if she decided she didn’t want to use me anymore. She still used me occasionally because she needed me, but it did reduce the amount that I did for her.

[00:17:00] So sometimes you have to actually go out and proactively change who you’re working for. How you get work, who you get work from. You have more control the more senior you get than you realize. Now if you’re in your first two or three years, that can be hard, but you can still start developing relationships, you might be able to change sections. There are other opportunities and options for you if you’re in a bigger firm.

So see what you can do. And then when it comes to boundaries, like my boundary was, if this is something that’s not a true emergency, I’m not doing, like, if you, if you email me, that’s fine, I’ll tell you, okay, I’ll do this tomorrow. So that was my thing. She would email me late at night and if I saw it, if I saw it, I didn’t check my email all the time.

I would get back to her immediately, nicely, and say, okay, great, I’ll look at this tomorrow. I would not do it that night. She expected that night. But I very clearly set that boundary. And she Never really said anything. She didn’t love it, but she never really said anything. And if she had pushed back, I always said, I can’t get to this until tomorrow. Like somebody else. Do it. You can do it. Get them to do it.

[00:18:04] So you need to understand what are your non-negotiables? What will you tolerate and what will you not? This is a choice and you need to set very clear boundaries around that. That also means enforcing those boundaries. So boundaries are not boundaries unless you actually hold them.

So it means pushing back on unreasonable demands. It means saying no to certain assignments because you have too much work already. It means limiting exposure to toxic people like what I did. It means changing course a little bit, creating new relationships, letting go of others. Enforce your boundaries and remember you are here for a specific reason to do specific things.

Focus on that and enforce the boundaries as best you can just to get that done so that you can move on.

Know When To Get Out

[00:18:49] The third thing, and this is super important, build in outs to your plan. So if things deteriorate beyond a certain point, you do not have to stick to your original plan. In fact, you should not. So you need to permit yourself to leave earlier. If your mental health is seriously suffering, the situation becomes untenable. Maybe there are ethical issues, maybe there’s harassment going on. Maybe it’s just so dang toxic that it’s not worth it. Okay? A genuine emergency or a life change occurs that changes your perception. You don’t have to stick to your plan. And this is really important because it needs to be part of your plan. You have clear non negotiables. You also have clear outs.

This is part of your plan and you must stick to it. Or without this, it does create a mindset that you’re stuck. It does create because you are, you haven’t gone through this. You, you know, you don’t know internally that really truly have choices. You have choices.

Build in these out to ensure you realize you have choice.

Know the Difference Between Hard vs. Harmful

[00:19:57] The final thing is know the difference between hard and harmful. Hardest survivable, harmful is not. Your plan is meant to serve you, not destroy you.

Sometimes that extra experience of finishing up the deal, if it’s going to be long-term, actually isn’t worth it. Get real about what is hard versus what is harmful for you.

And I will say this, sometimes it’s worth giving it a couple of months and you think, okay, this is going to be just hard but not harmful. If I do these things and I have these boundaries and three months later you’re like, this is not working. And I just. It’s untenable because this is such a toxic place.

That’s why you build in outs, by the way. That’s when it becomes truly harmful ,and it is time to get out.

Tips for Managing Your Day-To-Day (In a Healthy Way)

[00:20:45] All right, finally you have your plan, you have your framework. You know why you’re there. I’m going to give you a couple of tips for daily practice to make this a little bit easier.

Tip 1: Bookend Your Day

[00:20:57] So daily habit, I want you to bookend your day.

This is where your mindset becomes more of a habit and discipline, not just a concept. So what I mean by bookending your day, you’re going to do a look forward and a look back.

Morning Look-Forward

In the morning, you want to anticipate the hard stuff. What tough interactions or situations are likely today, who might be most difficult, what might go sideways, whether with a client, a colleague, or just the deal itself or the case itself?

Anticipate those things and write them down.

The second thing is then visualize your response. How will you handle the unruly colleague without losing it? How will you stay calm when the client is being unreasonable? Yet again, See yourself navigating it well before it happens. This will help you navigate these situations better when you’re in the moment because you’ve pre planned them. And then at the end of this, remind yourself of the why. Why are you here? What are you getting out of this? What future are you building that will be better for this experience?

This will help you set you up for the day ahead in the best way possible.

Evening Look-Back & Reframe

[00:22:08] And then in the evening, you’re gonna do your look back. So you review the day, the good, the bad and the ugly, y’, all, what happened? How did you handle it? Be honest. Not harsh with yourself, but be honest. Because guess what? No matter how well you planned for it, you may not have handled it the way you planned or you may have tried and it didn’t work. Okay?

Be honest about that and then focus on the genuinely good. Even on the worst days, something probably went right. Find what that is, celebrate it, be thankful for it. Maybe it’s that you did say the thing that you had planned to and even though they didn’t take it well, you’re proud of yourself for having said it. You stood up for yourself. Maybe it’s that you learned something new that you’re going to take forward into your practice that you wanted out of staying. This is why you stayed. Focus on the genuinely good. Now it has to be real. Okay.

And then finally, extract the lessons from the day. What did you learn even from the most difficult moments. How did this experience make you sharper, more resilient, more prepared?

[00:23:11] Extract the lessons learned. This is part of a reframe, y’all. And I’ve talked about reframing before. It’s not about toxic positivity. It’s not about denial. You admit to the bad, you learn from the bad. But you’ve got to find meaning in the heart. You need to be thankful for the growth, even when it’s painful.

Mindset isn’t a set at once and forget about it. It is a daily habit. Okay? And bookending your day creates kind of a container that helps keep you grounded, focused and sane during this time period.

So that is tip number one.

Tip 2: Build Your Support Structure

Tip number two, have support.

[00:23:53] You need at least one person who gets it, ideally outside of your law firm. Someone you can talk to, someone you can strategize with, somebody you can lean on.

Self-isolation is going to make it way harder. And connection is what helps make it survivable. This includeshiring a professional coach or therapist if needed. There is nothing wrong with that. That’s why we are here.

[00:24:15] Have support. And frankly, you need more than one person. You probably need family, you need friends, you need peers that are outside of your firm. You might need somebody within the firm if you have the right relationship with them and can be honest with them and know it’s not going to go anywhere. Have a support system and go to that support system and talk about these things. And it’s really important too, to have somebody outside of the law firm environment. Maybe somebody who’s not even a lawyer. In fact, I highly recommend this because we lawyers put up with a lot more than we should or need to. And we tend to distort what is truly necessary in the law firm, quote, unquote environment.

Having somebody outside of it who’s like, that’s nuts. Why are you doing this? Why do you guys put up with this? Is really helpful. It helps you challenge the assumptions you’re making, the limiting beliefs that you have. It might help you have better boundaries and actually enforce them better. Have that support.

Tip 3: Protect Your Identity

[00:25:16] And then the third and final tip is protect your identity so you are not your job. Being a lawyer is not who you are. Do not let it consume your entire sense of self. When we do this, we get stuck.

And this is probably one of the number one things that I see in people who feel totally stuck in a really bad situation and don’t know how to change it. It’s because their ident identity is fully wrapped around being a lawyer. And not just being a lawyer, but being the kind of lawyer they are at the exact firm they are with a certain level of prestige. That is not who you are. That is not your identity. Your identity is about who you show up as every single day, how you treat people, what your values are and how aligned you are to them.

Invest in relationships, hobbies and your health. Things that remind you of who you are beyond the office. People, relationships, hobbies that are important to you, getting out in the community, self care activities. All of those are things that can help you stay motivated during this time and help keep you grounded and more positive. And not getting wrapped up in this is who I am.

All right, let’s wrap it up.

[00:26:28] Sometimes it makes sense to stay in a difficult situation if you know why, if you have an end date, if you have a plan for staying and when to leave, and if you’re staying open to opportunities you don’t expect while protecting your mental and physical health.

You can stay and it may make sense to stay. But it is about being very strategic and intentional and making choices for good reasons.

 You do not have to feel stuck. You can build towards something better. This could be a part of the path you’ve chosen to take to get there, but be sure it’s strategic, intentional and fully wrapped in choice and control.

All right, that’s it for today. We’ll be back next week. Bye for now.