#165: Maximize Your Mentor Mentee Relationships (Everything You Need to Know)

​[00:01:09] Hello. Hello everybody. This is Heather Moulder, your host to the Life & Law Podcast, and today we are getting into how to maximize your mentor-mentee relationships. We are going to cover three main areas:

• The types of mentor mentee relationships that exist.
• The benefits of mentor-mentee relationships from the mentor and mentees perspective. And yes, there are benefits to mentors, to being a mentor. So we’re going to get into that as well.
• And then we are going to get into the meat of today’s topic, which are my top 10 ways for how to maximize your mentor-mentee relationships.

So let’s just get started because there is a lot to cover today.

Formal vs. Informal Mentor-Mentee Relationships

[00:01:52] So first, let’s get into the types of relationships.

So obviously there are formal and informal relationships, and that’s pretty obvious, right?

Formal relationships are the type of mentors that are assigned to you in your law firm, and lots of law firms have it. I think these are great programs, but I will tell you, it’s not enough to just rely on your formal mentors.

Sometimes your formal mentor is going to be the best possible mentor you could have. Sometimes they’re not.

This is a highly personal thing, so you want to get really clear about what you want out of a mentor. And this is why learning the types are so important. Because that goes into making sure that you’ve got a good fit. A good values fit, a good personality fit, a good strengths weaknesses fit.

It’s really great for mentors to understand who you are, care enough about your values, understand your strengths, may have some of your strengths, but also can see some of your weaknesses and can help you with how to develop in those areas. So this is why you don’t want to just settle for the formal mentors.

You also want to have informal mentors, people that you see out there that you would like to be a mentor to you and reaching out to them and, you know, forging a relationship with them so that they can become a mentor to you.

And let me be clear, I started off with this in the introduction, in the hook, I guess you could say, when we first started this episode.

Mentorship is important regardless of what level of career you’re at.

We tend to think of it in terms of when you’re an associate or a young partner and needing mentors. And yes, you need mentors there, but people who are pretty senior can use mentors as well. And it’s always nice to have somebody who’s been there, done that, no matter what role you are, no matter how senior you are. It’s nice to have people, even if they’ve retired already, that are there, that have been in your shoes and can help mentor you.

So please do not think that just because you’ve been practicing for ten years, 15 years, 20 years, that you don’t want or need mentors. Mentors will be very helpful to you for a plethora of reasons. So don’t let go of that as you progress. Okay? So that’s the difference between formal versus informal.

The Varying Types of Mentor-Mentee Relationships (a/k/a The Different Styles for Mentoring)

Let’s get into really the types that, or I guess that you could say styles of mentoring. And most people, I will tell you, have different styles, right? Some of them will have all of the styles I’m giving you. Some of them will have really hone in on one. Some will have several of these.

So my two cents is you want more than one mentor. You want several mentors so that you can get all of these styles included.

And also all of these styles and some similar styles and different people who are different because they’re going to take to it. Their style might be to be a role model or to be a teacher, but they’re going to teach different things and role model in different ways. So that gets me into a couple of these. So let’s just go through it.

First is the role model style.

So this is showing through actions, right? Watch me do what I do.

[00:05:06] These are people who tend to be not as active as far as the mentorship goes. They might have do some active mentoring, but most role model mentors are quite a bit higher than you and need you to kind of just watch them and are there for questions.

I want you to take advantage of that and really pay attention and see what you can get out of them and ask questions and ask for more. But sometimes they’re not going to be able to give more because of the time constraints. So just be aware that a role model mentor is wonderful for a variety of reasons, but it’s not enough and you want more.

So go and try to seek out more from them and then also from others.

The second one is the coach style of mentor.

So this includes facilitating, asking good questions, guided discussions. The goal is to help the mentee determine their own answers, not to give them all of the answers.

This is what coaching does, by the way. And if you’re not quite sure what the difference is between coaching and mentoring and consulting, then I highly recommend you go back and listen to an old episode where I talked about the benefits of coaching and the differentiations between these things.

Now, most mentors who coach are going to do more than coach because they’re there to do more than coach. But there are mentors out there who really see the value in coaching and include this within their mentorship. And I highly recommend you have at least one or more mentors who do this because this can really be helpful when you have somebody who takes on more of a coaching style. 

Their way of being is to help you find your best answers before they give you advice. Yes, they often will give advice. Yes, they often will consult and mentor, but they kind of want to know more about you. They want to know what you think. They want to know what you find important, what your priorities are first so that that will better guide them to helping you figure out the right answers. Okay?

Because sometimes what they’re mentoring you on isn’t cut and dry. It’s not a skill. It’s not something that has a yes or no answer or is fact. It is highly dependent on you, what you want, what you want out of your practice, what you want out of your, you know, out of your learning experience and something that you are doing. So this is why finding somebody with a coach approach is really, really helpful.

[00:07:33] The third style is the teacher style.

So teachers are those who are there to help you develop your skills, to help you get more technical, know how. They are real big on step by steps and giving you knowledge about the culture of the organization, the business side that you need to understand for the practice that you’re in. These people are hugely important.

Now, I will say that a lot of those who tend to really rely on the teaching style, this is kind of their bread and butter. They mostly teach. They might also advise. They might also want to be a role model.

They’re not usually quite as good in the coaching, and coaches are kind of hard to find, but there are many out there, so go find them. They can just be a little more difficult to figure out who’s a coach. But you also need teachers because these are the folks that help you really develop your skills. And you especially need this early in your career, throughout your entire associate young years, and even in the early partnership stage, because there are new things that you need to learn when you become a partner around knowing what to do as a partner. Find somebody who can help you with that.

Okay, so that’s the third type.

The fourth type is the advisor.

So the advisors are the people who really tell you what you should do. They share advice around their own experience, their own knowledge, their own skills. They’re very helpful in how to fit in within a company culture and how to advise you about how to go about doing something.

So these are the more politically savvy people that you want within your network who have kind of – they know the ropes, they understand the way of doing within that culture, and they can help advise you on what to do.

Also, there are advisors out there who are really good on dealing with client situations or dealing with more complicated or complex issues that not everybody’s good at. And we’re also dealing with when people don’t get along and helping you to manage conflict.

Let me just say that one person isn’t necessarily good at all of these things. There are different types of advisors. And so that’s what I’m going to going into here.

So some of them are really better at advising on the human level around relationship development, around client management, around conflict management.

Some are going to be better on, okay this is the culture that you need to know. Here’s how I would, given that, given what I know about that, how I would go about doing something. Say you want to get on a committee, how to do that, right?

So advisors are really good about giving you advice from a career and professional perspective.

The fifth type is the sponsor.

So let me just say that not all mentors can be sponsors. Sponsors are people who have political savvy, knowledge and respectability within the firm, within the culture of your firm. These are the people that you need to get behind you so that you can get promoted.

You need somebody in your corner, and I highly recommend you have more than one somebody. Some of this is going to depend on how big your firm is, how big your company is, but everybody needs at least one or more sponsors. I highly recommend you have two or three.

You want one within your group, and then you might want. You want to, like, forge relationships outside of your group where others can help you as well. And these are the folks that you need to get the support of so that you can get those promotions that you want.

The last one is holistic.

[00:11:17] What I would call the holistic mentor.

Holistic mentors take a different viewpoint. They are mentoring you not just about work, not just about skills, not just about advising around the culture, not just as a role model for how to go about something in the business, on the business side, but they care more also about your own well being, your self care, your work life balance.

And it’s really good to have somebody in your corner like this to kind of help check you right when you are getting overburdened, when you are really stressed for how to navigate through those types of things and step back a little bit and take stock and take time off and do for yourself. We need people like that who know what they’re doing in that area and can help you navigate that better.

Having more than one mentor is preferred (and you’ll want mentors both inside and outside of your organization – even profession).

So those the six styles or types of mentors. You want to remember that very few are going to be able to do all of the above. So you want a mix of mentors, and you also don’t need to only have mentors within your organization, within your firm.

You can also find mentors from outside as well. And sometimes some of the best mentors may surprise you. Could even be outside of the legal field itself. So just keep that in mind as well.

The benefits of being a mentor and/or mentee.

So let’s get into the benefits of being a mentor and a mentee. So when it comes to maximizing your mentor-mentee relationship, it’s really important to understand what the benefits are on both sides. So regardless of what role you’re currently playing, whether you’re a mentor or a mentee, you want to get behind these benefits so that you can go all in on your mentor-mentee relationship.

Top 3 Benefits for Serving As a Mentor

[00:13:09] So, number one, when it comes to being a mentor, we’re gonna start with mentors, because I think most of us understand the benefits to being a mentee. And yes, we’ll go through that, but let’s just start with the ones that we don’t often hear, right. Why do we want to be a mentor in the first place?

Number one is leadership development.

This is going to help you utilize your skills of leadership, gain more recognition, and start getting more support. As a leader and mentor.

So this is really helpful and something to note here. When it comes to leadership development, part of this is going to be EQ or emotional intelligence. It’s going to help improve your emotional intelligence. That’s huge. We’ve talked about this recently. I want you to go back and listen to that episode if you haven’t around how to improve your emotional intelligence.

Being a mentor can help further with that. So take that into account and get out there and be sure you are a mentor to one or more people.

The second thing that it’s going to help with is reflection.

When we mentor others, we tend to then reflect more on our past decisions, our past accomplishments, our past mistakes, what we’ve learned and gained along the way – along our path in our decision making, our actions, our mistakes, our failures – and we help pass those down.

This helps to deepen that learning. This self-reflection is a reminder that helps us to really keep these things in mind in our own current and future decision-making as well.

The third benefit of being a mentor is that it opens you up to new ways of thinking, doing and viewing.

So you’re going to be mentoring somebody of a younger generation, somebody who’s on a earlier path than you. And because they’re on an earlier path, and because it’s a different generation in a different time, and because this is a different person with different skills and strengths and a different personality from you, it’s going to force you to open up and learn from them.

You’re going to develop some more creativity. You’re going to be challenged a little bit. This will broaden your way of thinking, of viewing others, of being around people. It may change some of your management style. It’s going to help you to see people differently.

And notice: all of these things also help to impact and improve upon your emotional intelligence, which is a huge benefit to leadership and management.

So those are three of the biggest benefits that you may not have thought about before of being a mentor.

The 3 Biggest Benefits for Having a Mentor/Being A Mentee.

Let’s quickly get into the top three benefits to being a mentee, to seeking out mentorships. So, many of these are very obvious.

[00:16:01] Here are my top three.

Number one, it’s going to give you some guidance and knowledge you wouldn’t otherwise have.

Which, and this is the part you probably haven’t thought about, can increase your confidence. This is a place to go, people to go to, which will help increase your confidence in the actions that you’re taking and the things that you’re doing for your personal and professional development. That is important to you and your future.

Number two, it’s going to help you achieve your goals faster.

When you have support, when you have this type of insight, when you’re building your confidence in this way, you’re more likely to do more. You’re more likely to put yourself out there a little bit more, which means you’re going to achieve your goals much, much faster.

Then this leads us to benefit number three: you’ll be more visible.

People will take notice of you. Leadership will more likely know what you’re doing, and they’re going to notice the things you’re doing well, the things you’re doing right. So this gives you good positive visibility as well.

So those, I would say, are the top three benefits of being a mentee and also being a mento.

Let’s get into the top ten ways for how to maximize your mentor-mentee relationship.

#1: Take Personality Into Account

[00:17:27] Number one, there needs to be a personality fit. You want to make sure you mesh with one another.

This is why the formal process isn’t always the best, because somebody’s just been assigned to you and they may not be the best person for you.

It’s important that you trust one another, and your starting point is based more on your gut, but it’s got to generate from there. So as you develop a relationship, you really want to pay attention to strengths, you want to pay attention to values, you want to pay attention to personality, and you want to ensure you both mesh with one another. Don’t try to force something that doesn’t work well.

[00:18:11] Now, note that this does not mean that you have to have the exact same values, personality, strengths, and so on. In fact, oftentimes opposites can be really helpful. But these things can’t misalign or they can’t contrast too much.

You want to make sure there’s not such a misalignment that it really just doesn’t work. So I encourage you to really seek out different people, but different people that are the right different for you.

#2: Set Clear Expectations

[00:18:40] All right, number two, set expectations from the outset. Now, this is really on the mentor. You should be doing this.

What’s the purpose/goal of the relationship from your perspective? And ask the mentee what theirs is. Create ground rules for each person. Boundaries are really key here.

[00:19:00] Mentors, you need to think about your availability generally and also what you’re comfortable doing and not doing. You need to think through those styles I talked about. Know what you’re willing to do and what you do and don’t feel comfortable with. And then be very specific with your mentee about how often you’re willing to meet, when you’re available, when they can reach out, what types of things to reach out with you on, etc.

Mentees, you want to be honest with mentors about what you want and expect from them. And if they do not set these expectations, ask the right questions to get these expectations set. It’s a tough conversation when you get started. But trust me, they’ll appreciate it because they’ll realize you actually value them. You respect them, you respect their time. You realize that they are giving their time.

Tell them that, look, I respect you and your time. I don’t want to overstay my welcome. Let’s set some boundaries. Let’s set some ground rules. How often will we meet? That kind of a thing. Okay.

So mentors, this really should be on you. But from the mentee’s perspective, especially when you’re reaching out to somebody in an informal way, get this set pretty early on, okay?

#3: Communicate Openly

The third thing for ensuring that you maximize your mentor-mentee relationships is to ensure that you truly have open communication. And part of this relates to the ground rules that you set. But you want to really talk about this from the outset and keep talking about this.

You need to make sure that every, you know, what, what are our comfort levels? What is it that we’re covering here? What are we mentoring on? What’s the subject matter? What are the styles? What is and is not okay? And then communicate openly about those things.

And anytime you have a question, be sure to ask it. Mentees. And same with mentors.

If you’re not sure that’s really what open communication is about, never assume. Go to the source and ask the questions. If you’re not sure or you think something’s off, something’s wrong, maybe they took a wrong approach, etc. This is a must-have to ensure that you create trust in the relationship.

#4: Regularity (Prioritize)

[00:21:17] Number four, meet regularly. You want to schedule meetings and treat them as just as important as your actual work, because guess what? They are. If you’re doing this right from both perspectives, remember all of those benefits, okay?

And meeting regularly does not necessarily mean you have to meet every single week, but I would suggest at least once a month. Some of this is going to depend.

If this is a mentor-mentee relationship where you’re working regularly together day to day, then perhaps you have a monthly meeting. You’re seeing each other, you’re getting that mentor-mentee relationship and doing a lot of it kind of naturally in your day to day.

But you also need a monthly or every other month or quarterly meeting where you actually go over things and talk more openly and communicate more about what’s going right, what’s going wrong, what could I be doing differently or better. Right? From the mentee’s perspective.

And the mentor, you’re telling them, here’s what I’m seeing. Here’s what I see. That’s great. Here’s what I want to see. More of that kind of a thing.

So make sure there are regular meetings in there. And if this is an informal relationship, oftentimes mentees, this is on you to ensure you stay on their schedule.

So I had somebody after I made partner that I kind of sought out to mentor me. I don’t even know if she realized I looked at her mostly as a mentor the first couple of years. We ended up really bonding and creating a real friendship there. But she started, I reached out to her as a mentor and, you know, I was on the hook for ensuring we went to lunch regularly.

I made sure we went every month and I would ask questions and I would get the things I needed out of her during those lunch meetings. So if it’s an informal relationship, especially if it’s somebody you’re not seeing regularly in your day to day, it’s up to you, the mentee, to ensure you reach out and calendar these things and ask the questions you need to ask.

#5: Be Respectful

[00:23:15] Okay, tip number five, please respect one another’s time, energy and efforts. So what this means for mentees, do not expect your mentor to always be available or be able to do everything you want from them. And respect their boundaries.

They have lives, they have work, they have stress, they have all these things, too. And you need to keep that in mind and not over stay your welcome, as they say, or ask for too much. Remember, this is why that open communication is so key and also why those setting of the rules early on is so key.

Respect those boundaries, get those set and make sure you are abiding by them.

Mentors, this means you need to be open, clear, honest about what boundaries you do have, what is and is not on the table for discussion and help. Have the tough conversations that you need to have. If they are asking for too much, make sure that you are honest about these things as it’s happening and you don’t let it fester so that you don’t end up resentful because that is like the worst thing that can happen to your relationship. It won’t work then.

And I’m just gonna say, like, I had a coaching session recently in my mastermind group on this very topic where I was basically coaching a partner who, someone kept coming to her with the same issues. This person wasn’t listening. Obviously, she wasn’t sure why she wasn’t listening, but it was getting to the point where it was like a tough conversation had to be had.

Look, I can only do so much. I’ve told you what I can. I’ve given you the resources that are available. This is up to you and I can’t do more. And I have to like draw a boundary here around this because this is, this is creating stress for me too, and I can’t have that right. So sometimes these conversations have to be had. And mentors, that’s up to you to have that conversation.

#6: Treat your mentor-mentee relationship as a long-term investment.

[00:25:14] Tip number six for how to maximize your mentor-mentee relationships? Treat it as a long term investment in both the other person and yourself. This is both. Regardless of which side you’re on, remember all of those benefits.

Mentors, this is developing you as much as it is them, just in different ways. Mentees, this is teaching you how to be a better mentor yourself in the future while also giving you the feedback, advice, support, training you need to excel now and into the long term.

Treat this as the long term investment it is. That will give you the right mindset, which will help you with the boundaries, with the communication, with the respect of others’ time, energy and efforts that we’re telling you you need to have.

#7: Have Compassion & Empathy

[00:25:59] Tip number seven, be compassionate and empathetic, but do it for their long term benefit. So what that means is do not shy away from tough news, lessons or feedback.

Mentors, you can deliver the information compassionately and in a caring way, okay? But you still need to deliver it because it is not compassionate or kind or helpful to them to keep it from them.

Mentees, this means that remembering when your mentor is giving you hard feedback or news that this is hard for them, but they would not be telling you if they did not care. So please don’t get defensive automatically or argue. Be open, step back and listen.

[00:26:45] Let yourself take it in and really digest it for a couple of days before coming back. And remember, you can always say, okay, this is a lot. I need time to digest this and then I’d like to talk about it later at another time.

[00:26:59] We went through all of this like this, this specific issue and how to deal with this in a recent interview with Rachel Bosch. So if you have not listened to that, you need to go back and listen to it. That will be very helpful. In the mentor mentee relationships as well, not just in a management situation. Okay. And I will put a link to that in the show notes.

#8: Be An Active Listener

[00:27:22] Tip number eight for maximizing your mentor mentee relationships is to really hone in on your listening skills and listen more than you talk. I want you to really hone in on your active listening, which is not trying to give them advice, not hearing something and then thinking, oh, I need to add this or say this. No, it’s quieting that mind down, really listening and then allowing there to be a silent pause afterwards before you decide what’s right to say.

[00:27:56] This is going to really help with that communication piece. It’s going to help build trust and it’s going to help both of you out because listening skills are key for leadership development, team building, relationship building, all of the above.

#9: Take – And Be Open To Getting – a Coach Approach

[00:28:13] All right, tip number nine. And this is not going to be available to everybody, but I highly recommend you try for every mentor out there, try to coach first before telling, advising and teaching when appropriate.

Now, obviously, if this is about a factual issue or a skill development, coaching may not be needed. But a lot of times you can coach first. Ask questions, figure out their goals, figure out what the end result is they want, ask what they’ve been doing, ask what they think might work better. Right, coach first, then you can give them the advice.

[00:28:49] This helps with trust. This helps you get to know them better so that you can better help them as a mentor.

And then for mentees, be open to coaching. Sometimes people get a little weird about it and like, I just want, I just want information. Understand that if somebody is taking a coach approach with you, they are really caring because they are taking more time out and energy out to ask these questions. Think through it, log it for future reference so that they can get to know you better and how to help you the best. So be sure to be open to it.

#10: Push Outside of Your Comfort Zone

[00:29:22] All right, final tip for how to maximize your mentor-mentee relationships is to push outside of your comfort zone.

[00:29:31] So mentors are there to get the best out of their mentees, which means mentors, do not be afraid to compassionately push them outside of their comfort zones.

[00:29:44] Mentees, you are there to get the guidance, wisdom, knowledge, insight from your mentor. Do not be afraid to ask deeper questions. And both of you keep that in mind. It’s going to help you both push yourselves more outside of your comfort zones to develop yourselves to your fullest extent.

[00:30:05] Hopefully, regardless of which side you’re on, you got ten great tips that you can start utilizing immediately.

And here’s something else that you might want to think about:

If you are a partner, an of counsel attorney or senior counsel trying to grow your book of business.

[00:30:22] Yes, you want mentors within the firm. But you know what else is important? Peer support and also expert support when needed.

That’s exactly what you’re going to get inside of my business growth mastermind, ELEVATE.

If you are a partner, shareholder, senior counsel, or of counsel wanting to exponentially grow your book of business within the next year and would like those things – peer and expert support to help you do it – then be sure to check out ELEVATE.

Doors open to the public next month and you can get on the waitlist to receive early access to me right now. Because waitlist access is officially open and closes next week.

I will put a link to elevate for those of you who are interested to check it out and join the waitlist in the show notes. We will be back next week. Bye for now.