#164: People-Pleasing (Stop Compromising Your Legal Identity)

[00:01:25] Well, hey there. This is Heather Moulder, host of the Life & Law Podcast, and I have a question for you guys today.

Are you a people pleaser?

Now, some of those listening are nodding your head, yeah. Yeah, I am. Maybe even your screaming from the rooftops a resounding yes!

Some of you might be thinking, I don’t think I really am. But I want you to ask yourself whether you ever say, think or do:

• I can’t say no to this partner, this assignment, this deal, this case, this client, whatever it is.
• I have to make myself available for calls, whether it’s from a client, a partner, whatever. At dinner with my spouse, at my daughter’s dance recital, at my son’s baseball game. You get the gist.
• I need to be going to that full day – or three days of – that conference. Even though the conference isn’t that applicable to the practice you want to build.
• I have no choice other than to say yes to that difficult client, partner, deal or matter you don’t really want to be on.

The reality is this:

• You can.
• You don’t need or have to.
• And you have choices, maybe even more than two.

It’s just that you do not like the choices available to you and wish there was some perfect option. And a lot of this has to do with not wanting to be judged. You don’t want to be the person who lets somebody else down. Most of all, you don’t want other people to not like you or to have opinions about you that you don’t like.

So if I had a dollar for every time a lawyer said to me: “My reputation is everything”, I would have a whole lot more money to my name at this moment.

I’m not saying that you cannot care at all. Your reputation is important, I agree. But it’s important to understand that there’s often more going on than just that. And it is certainly the case if the scenarios that we just talked about, those I have to, I can’ts, I must, if those resonate with you. You’re a people-pleaser.

Frankly, in my experience, most lawyers are.

And this is just not for women, by the way, male and females alike. Most lawyers I have known are people pleasers.

A Few Things To Know About People-Pleasing

Now, something to understand about people pleasing is it doesn’t necessarily show up in every area of your life. For some people, okay, it does. They try to please everybody. But most of us lawyers are not like that.

We are trying to please in a limited way, mostly when it comes to what others think of us as a lawyer. And for career progression purposes, that is where most lawyers mess up with their people pleasing ways.

And I will tell you that some of us lawyers, yes, are general people pleasers too. So it’s important, regardless of which one you are, what, what you’ve identified, that you listen because it’s time to change.

People pleasing is going to get in the way of your health, both mental and physical, and of your ultimate success. Because the fact of the matter is, you can’t please everybody. And it is important to be able to please yourself to some extent, right? To meet your own needs and desires and to go after your goals and priorities.

What’s the point if you’re not? So let’s get into how to change.

How To Stop People-Pleasing (Two Things To Know)

#1: Understand Why

And the first step is to really understand. Why do we do this?

Well, let me just tell you, it’s how the brain is pre wired to some extent. And it’s just that for those of us who are super high achievers and us lawyers are super high achiever, type A personalities, it kind of goes into overdrive.

Part of why you’re a high achiever is due to this very thing, which is part of the problem, because we convince ourselves that it means we have to be like this in order to continue to achieve when that’s a actually not true.

Because although people pleasing can help us to some extent, eventually it starts to, the returns from it are diminishing and it can flip and actually will eventually if we keep it up for too long and hurt us over time.

So your basic human instinct and fear of not being part of the group is what’s kicking in here. Our instincts to belong. Now, once upon a time, that was a necessary instinct for survival. You had to be part of the group. You didn’t need to be off on your own because that could mean death. Okay? And so that’s where a lot of this comes from.

What’s happened in modern times because we don’t live the same way we used to, is that fear of not being part of the group has transformed into, well, if I say no, if I don’t please, if I don’t show up in the way they want for everything, I’m going to make other people mad, they’re going to be angry, they’re going to get frustrated, and the impact is going to be that they won’t want me on anything.

Like our, our brain then goes into that overdrive of, you know, you’re living in a box underneath the bridge on the street type of a thing, because it catastrophizes that I’m going to make this person mad and that’s going to mean they’re never going to give me work again. And then I’m going to have a reputation and then I’ll never get work again. And it just goes on and on and on. Right?

Which rationally we know is not true, but that’s where it goes regardless. And that’s the instinctual thing that’s kicking in. And what it’s done is it’s created a habitual. Yes. Reaction, a habitual. I must do this. I’ve got to, I’ve got to figure this out. Oh, I’m going to even put myself out there for all this stuff that isn’t actually that important for my bigger picture goals, which you don’t want, right? Because then you’re not going to actually achieve the things you set out for the reason you become a lawyer in the first place.

Now, the impact of this is somewhat obvious. It increases stress. People pleasing does. Right? And it leads to overwhelm because it leads to you having way, way, way too much on your plate.

And those things are definitely true, but you already knew that. And it’s not enough to stop you from people pleasing. You’re still doing it. Right. So today I want to take a little bit of a different tack. I want you to understand what else is going on and the bigger impact, the deeper impact, because in my coaching experience, this deeper impact understanding of it is what’s really necessary for you to finally be able to stop people pleasing and start charging, starting your own path.

So let’s start there.

#2: Get Behind the Deeper Impact of People-Pleasing

What is the deeper impact of people pleasing?

Think of it this way. People pleasing has you saying yes to what others want from and for you.

It often has you mirroring the strategies and tactics of those around you, especially when it comes to marketing and networking and how you build your practice, maybe even the practice you build, the clients you’re going after, et cetera.

It might even have you adopting the personality traits of others, too.

So what is the effect of that? Right? Well, number one, you’re on a path that’s built for somebody else, not you.

And number two, and I think this is even worse, you’re living according to the standards of other people, doing the things others want most of, even all of the time. What that really means is you’re handing your legal identity over to somebody else, to other people.

You might even have handed your entire identity over to other people because your identity is now being molded in their image, not yours, not your values, not your personality, not your strengths, not the who of who you actually are.

This is how so many lawyers who go into the practice, excited, inspired, and motivated yet end up 5, 10 15, 20, 25 years later super successful on paper, by the way, yet saying things like:

• Why am I doing this?
• Who am I?
• There’s got to be more too success/ practicing law/ life than this.

This is why I y’all get super passionate about mindset, because letting go of people pleasing requires constant work to cultivate and then consistently strengthen your mindset. Mindset. Work isn’t one and done. It’s a habit. It’s a practice.

It’s also why I’m passionate about knowing and then aligning to your values, because that’s part of what helps you stay away from this, right? So if any of this is resonating at all with you, I want you to listen up.

Your starting point right now for letting go of people pleasing is twofold.

Get comfortable with people not agreeing with – or liking – you.

Number one, it’s time to get comfortable that other people are going to have opinions and judgments about you, your choices, your actions, and who you even are that you might not like that not everybody is going to agree with your choices. Some won’t like them. Some might even decide they don’t like you because of your choices. And guess what? That’s part of living life. And is absolutely okay.

Here’s where your values come into play to help you be okay with this fact. Because it is a fact, y’all, so long as you are staying true to your values while being responsible to what’s truly important, that’s how you measure your success.

You can be comfortable if you’re staying true to your values while being responsible to what’s important, you can be content.

Now, I want to note something here. This is not about just doing what feels good or not caring or doing for others.

What this is about is intentionality. It’s about being more intentional. Get clear about what you value, about what your priorities really are and who you want to be, and then align to those things because you cannot please everybody all of the time.

You can’t even please everybody some of the time. But you can be content with who you are, how you show up in this world, and what choices you make. That is what this piece is about. Get comfortable with a fact, because it is a fact that other people are going to have opinions and judgments about your choices, your actions, and who you even are that you may not love. And that’s okay.

All right.

Accept that it’s uncomfortable either way (with or without people-pleasing).

Second thing, acknowledge that discomfort exists no matter what you choose.

It is uncomfortable. Maybe even hard, could be really, really, really hard to make choices that others don’t expect, don’t like, and or do not want from you.

But the truth of it is this, and I’ve talked about this before, just a couple of podcasts ago. So if you didn’t hear it, go back and listen to it. If you need to hear it again, go back and listen to it. It’s also uncomfortable, maybe even hard and harder to not go your own way.

So when you say yes to everybody else, you are doing that at the expense of the things that are most important to you.

You are giving away your legal identity.

In that episode that I just mentioned about changing your mindset. This is part of that, y’all. This is kind of like a follow up to that and how to do it. I told you my story about coming home at Christmas time and being very upset with my life and my practice and complaining to my husband and realizing that not doing anything about it for years was impacting me, was impacting who I was becoming. That was what I needed to realize to be able to make that change because I’d been so scared about, you know, making a change and taking a risk and all of that.

It’s important that you acknowledge that discomfort exists on both sides.

Be more intentional about choosing the right discomfort for you, which, frankly is what are your values? What are your priorities? Who do you want to be in this world? How do you show up as that person with those priorities in mind, building the practice that makes sense for you.

All right, that is it for today’s lesson.

But I do have two more things before you go, and I’m not supposed to do this because they tell us to only have one call to action at the end of any episode or within any episode. But today I have two for you.

So first up, to continue your lesson, today’s lesson, I want you to make sure you have the Legal Mindset Mastery Toolkit. It is your starting point for changing your mindset so that you can do the right uncomfortable things for creating the life and law practice you want, to be the person you want to be in this world and to make the impact you want to make. I will put a link to the show notes so that you can grab a copy of the toolkit for yourself.

Second, if you are ready to let go of pleasing others when it comes to how you build your law practice and are instead ready to go all-in on growing the law practice you want, and you are at the level where you can go all in – such as of counsel, senior counsel and or partner/shareholder, then it’s time to have the exact right support you need to do just that.

Support from an expert who has been in your shoes prevailed and can give you strategic guidance on what to do and when to do it. Support from peers who are on a similar journey, who you can brainstorm with and also see that you are not alone. Because y’all. You’re not.

Because here’s the thing. We lawyers, we love to self isolate, which then causes stress and makes us feel like we’re all, we’re the only ones. We’re not.

This is why I created my business mastermind, ELEVATE. And that is what it will give you. Peer support, strategic guidance, and structured accountability so that you can grow the practice you want to support the life you actually want. Doors are open once per year and they will be opening in just over a month. You have a chance right now to join the waitlist, which gets you early access to me, plus some other extras.

If this sounds good to you at all, then I will put a link in the show notes. Please go check out elevate and be sure to sign up for the waitlist.

All right, that’s it for today. Bye for now.