#231: Hitting Your Goals But Something Feels Off? [Reevaluate Your Values]

[00:01:12] Welcome to Life and Law. This is your host, Heather Moulder. And today we are getting into something that I occasionally see, and actually, a client recently experienced.

This is when you’re on track for your goals. You’ve been incredibly successful. You have another big goal for the year, and all of a sudden, you have this moment of, wait, why? What am I doing? This doesn’t feel right any longer. And it’s really discombobulating because you knew you were on the right path for so long. You’ve been doing this for a year or two or more and then it’s like a sudden halt and you’re questioning yourself.

How can this be? Especially since you’ve been following your values. You’re clear on those values. You have values-based goals. You’ve been doing that. You reset your goals for this year based on those values. So how on earth could you end up in this place?

[00:02:07] First, I want to say it’s not a lack of discipline, it’s not a lack of ambition. You haven’t lost all of that. It’s a signal that you need to pay attention to.

So today is about why this happens and how to respond without abandoning success or yourself when it does. And I do say “when” because I see this a lot. And we’re going to get into why. It’ll make a little bit more sense as we dive a little bit deeper.

The Adrenaline Trap

So let’s get into something that you just want to be aware of.

[00:02:43] There’s what I call the adrenaline trap. When we are in growth mode, we get a great natural high, right? That growth means you’re successful on your goals, you’re achieving things, which gives you a lovely dopamine hit and external validation and a sense of, “I’ve got to be doing this”. Right?

[00:03:06] And that adrenaline can temporarily override the exhaustion that you might be having because you’ve worked so hard. And then things can kind of hit you a little bit harder at some point when you finally slow down. When that adrenaline fades, the body and the mind start to speak up.

Now that doubt – we lawyers love to see as a weakness, but it’s not. It’s just information.

Make Sure You Set Values-Based Goals (In the First Place)

[00:03:32] So if you feel that way, it’s a sign to get curious because you might be misaligned. And that happens when your values were never followed. You did not set values-based goals. I’ve talked about this before.

We’re not going to get into how to do that today. We’re going with the assumption that you did set values-based goals. Because it’s even more discombobulating when this happens and we’re like, wait, how could this happen? Given the hard work I’ve done, given everything I’ve done to make sure I’m aligned to my values in the way that I’m building my practice.

[00:04:07] But if you didn’t do that, you’re going to want to go back and also listen to my episode around how to set values-based goals. So it could be a sign that you’re misaligned, and that would be the fix.

What to Do If You Are Values-Aligned (Yet You’re Now Questioning Things)

But what if you were in touch with your values? You know what your values are. They’re clearly defined. You set goals based on them. You went through them and ensured you were aligned.

When Values Compete With One Another

[00:04:30] Well, that’s what we’re actually talking about today. When values start competing against one another, most of us will assume, well, if my goal is aligned with my values, everything should just be fine, right?

Unfortunately, no. There’s some nuance in there. Values can compete with one another depending on how they’re prioritized at any given time. So let me give you an example of how this showed up recently.

A client has a bunch of different values. Let’s just say one of them is achievement, which is a very common one amongst attorneys, or success, or doing your best. There are a lot of different ways in which we couch this, but it’s achievement-based. So you have an achievement-based value, but you’ve also got some other values, like connection with your family, like alignment around ertain things that are very important to you – around enjoying life, enjoying yourself.

[00:05:31] And when we go all in, sometimes at the beginning stages of growth, we want to kind of ramp up that achievement value, the one that has us working hard, staying disciplined, staying focused. And that’s perfectly fine because that’s where we are. But let’s say two years down the road, things have changed.

You’ve been successful, you’re starting to make good money, and you’ve gotten a couple of hires under your belt.

You’re doing pretty well, right?

[00:06:04] You’re not making more money because you’ve put more money into your business. And so one of the goals for the year might have been, all right, I finally want to get to the point where I can pay myself more.

And so you ramp up that revenue goal even more so that you can ensure you pay yourself more, given that you now have more expenses.

But that also means you’re working a lot more. That also means, you know, you might be the bottleneck where everybody’s always waiting for you on things, and that can be really overwhelming. And so that enjoyment value has gone way, way down.

[00:06:41] And then also it’s two years later. When you started your firm, you had kids, but they’re younger, but now they’re getting a little bit older, they’re getting more active, and you want to be at those activities. You want to see your son play baseball, you want to go to your daughter’s dance recital, and yet you have zero time for that.

Changes To Life Circumstances Change How You Rank Your Values

[00:07:02] So something to understand is different experiences, different circumstances. Time can change your priorities, and not just your overarching priorities, but how you prioritize your values. Because most, most of us have very core values.

So, for example, mine are: service, to inspire connection, and family. Those are my top four. At any given time in my life, I might change how I prioritize those based on my current circumstances. My kids have always come first. Family has always been one of my top two values, pretty much always.

And a lot of that has to do with, really, over the last 10 years. It’s one of the biggest reasons I left my legal career and started this business. I wanted more flexibility, more time with my boys, because there was only so much time left with them being at home. Well, one is off at college now. The other one’s a 16-year-old, a sophomore. I have two more years with him at home.

[00:08:04] And I have specifically designed this business around my ability to go to almost everything. Not everything, but most of the things that he does, because I’m not going to experience that for a whole lot longer. In two years, that will change a little bit. Family’s still going to be a priority, but it won’t mean the same thing because circumstances will change.

So sometimes, how you define what those values mean in any given moment, that changes based on your current circumstances and experiences.

Values Compete Against One Another

[00:08:36] The same thing with your priorities, you may jumble them around. Sometimes I’m more service-based, sometimes I’m more connection-based. Like, it really depends on what’s going on in my life, what my current needs are, what my family life is, as to how I prioritize which value goes where. Because guess what?

Values can compete. That example earlier hopefully showcased that for you. If enjoyment is a top value and achievement is also a top value, and you turn achievement up too high, you may not be enjoying life so much. So you’ve got to balance things out a little bit.

[00:09:10] You might be willing to really ramp up the achievement for a year or two to get to a certain stage, but then you’ve got to ramp it back down, and your priorities change. The enjoyment may go up above the achievement. Achievement’s still there, you’re still doing well, but maybe you’re slowing down the rate of growth.

This is something that trips a lot of us up.

[00:09:31] We assume that everything is static, and it’s not. Things change over time. Circumstances change. Those circumstances don’t just change you, but they change how you prioritize your own values. And that’s going to be based on your life stage. It’s going to be based on your family’s current needs, it’s going to be based on your current energy capacity, and based on your health.

It’s going to be based on your own personal growth and what you’re going through internally. It’s going to be based on so much.

This Doesn’t Mean Something Is Wrong With What You Previously Prioritized Or Did

And when that happens, what used to be aligned no longer is. It’s not because it was wrong, it’s because circumstances have changed and you need to re-rank things. You need to reprioritize.

[00:10:22] So if you’re in this stage or you ever find yourself in this stage, come back and listen to this again. But start to question not yourself, but what’s going on? How might things have changed such that I still want a lot of the same things, but I may want them a little differently, or I may want them on a different timeline?

 It’s time to reevaluate. You want to reevaluate your goals through your values lens.

What To Do When Reevaluating and Reprioritizing Your Values

[00:10:56] So I’m going to take you through five steps. This is what to actually do, how to do that.

Step one again, you want to identify your core values, your current core values. Define them exactly, very precisely. What do they mean to you and what do they mean to you now, because I will say that although your core values don’t tend to change a whole lot and the core definitions don’t change, different pieces of it, again, mean different things at different stages.

So write that down.

[00:11:27] Then secondly, rank them for right now, what’s this season? What is more important now? Is it connection, is it service, is it achievement, is it enjoyment? How are you going to rank the order of what’s most important, given where you are at this stage in life?

[00:11:46] Step three, this is where you look at, okay, here was my goal, here’s what I was working towards, and you put all the pros and cons. And what are the trade-offs? Be very real about the trade-offs because there are trade offs to everything.

If I go after this goal, here’s how it impacts me, here’s how it might compete with some of my other values or rub up against them. Get real about all of that.

[00:12:13] Then look at the other side. Okay, what are my other options? Put those down. It may just be two things. It may be you have three different options you’re weighing. Write them all down and put the pros and the cons, put the trade-offs.

And then step four is to feel into each one of these, feel into them. And I caution you not to do this too quickly. I would identify my core values and define them very specifically on day one. Then I would take some time, and I’d come back and I would rank them. I would sit with it, and I’d really rank them.

[00:12:49] And then I would set out all my options, and I’d do the pros and cons, and I’d let those sit for a day or two. And then I’d come back, and I’d look at it and make sure they still look right. Add anything I need to, and then I feel into them. And when I say feel into them, imagine you were there.

 This is the goal I wanted originally. This is what life would look like. This is how I’d be acting in my business. This is how my life would look; this is how my relationships would look. Everything, your whole life, and feel into it. What does that feel like?

And you’re going to do that for each one.

[00:13:26] And after you do that, you choose: Which one do I actually prefer?

The thing I want you to walk away with is that you are allowed to change. You’re a human being. You’re going to change your life, your circumstances, your experiences, your health, the people within your life, they’re going to influence you and what you want. Including in law. Not just in life.

There can be multiple paths. Each path has trade-offs, whether financial, emotional, or physical. The real question we’re getting at here is: Which trade-offs are you willing to make now? This isn’t about ” What should I want?”. This is about what matters most, now.

That’s it for this week. We’ll be back next week. Bye for now.